Marriage Jokes — best jokes

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."

"So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.

"Gold of course," says the proud man.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied.

"Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "this is what your wife needs, at least once a day!" The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me." "My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away." "I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it." He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?" "In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'"

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today." "Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?" The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages." The friend looks at him quizically.

"Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..." "What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"

One night a police officer named Mike was working the grave-yard shift and he drove to his house around 3 A.M. in the morning. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark, and got in bed with his wife. Then she said, "Honey, can you go over to the Drug Store and pick me up some Asprin?" The husband said yes, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the Drug Store.

When he got to the Drug Store, he got the Asprin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up. Then when he got up there, the clerk asked, "Say, Aren't you Mike This-and-That?"

Mike answered him and said, "Yes I am."

Then the clerk looked puzzled and asked, "Well, aren't you a police officer?"

And again Mike replied yes.

Then the clerk asked, "Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?"

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"

Grandpa replies, "Nope."

Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"

Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door. "Out drinking again!?" she says.

"How much money did you spend this time?" "$100," answers the man. "$100!" she shouts.

"That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!" "Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."