Marriage Jokes — best jokes

Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other.

At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"

Which woke Ed.

- What's going on?

- I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife.

- How come?

- To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!

After a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?"

"Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted.

"Because that's my dick you're holding," said Ed.

At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.

Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl could be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed, replied, "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one."

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm.

"Heavens," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window."

The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then demurred. "I can't," he said, "we're on the thirteenth floor."

"For heaven's sake," cried the young lady in exasperation, "is this a time to be superstitious?"

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.

"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said.

"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"

The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.

When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable."

She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix outfit.

However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.

"What happened?" she said. "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"

He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says, "Get gas and free sex here." So obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up, and went inside to pay.

"Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex," said the cashier.

"Uh, okay, 3!" the man replied.

"Nope! Sorry, play again."

So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked: "This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number to have free sex!" He screamed.

"Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 times last week alone!"

A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"

The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."

His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."

The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."

One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said, "My god, you look so depressed."

She said, "You bet I am, look what my damn husband sent me... six dozen roses. Now you know what that means? I'm going to have to spend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread."

"Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?"

- Want a quickie?

- As opposed to what?

A man, being on top of a woman, says after a while: "Honey, your tits are too small, and your box is too tight."

"Get off my back, dear!" she replies.

Mongo's old lady decided she wanted to do something special to please him on his birthday, so she bought a pair of crotchless panties. That night, as he came into the house, she lay sprawled on the couch spread-eagle.

"Hi hon," she purred sexily. "Y'all want some of this?"

"Hell, no!" he hollered. "Look at what it's done to your undies!"