Marriage Jokes — best jokes

Joe still enjoyed chasing girls when he got to be 70.

When his wife was asked if she minded, she answered, "Why should I be upset? Dogs chase cars, but they can't drive."

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again -- the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

Seventy year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your self and have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get up in the middle of the night, poof!...the light goes on and I go to the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off!"

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! The light goes off?"

Thelma replied, "Oh God! He's peeing in the fridge again!"

An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down 'cause I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I know you'll forget that so you'd better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then went fuming into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

An old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfast table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man said, "You know, 50 years ago, we were probably sitting here buck naked." The woman said, "Why don't we try that again?" So they stripped and sat down at the table again. Soon the old woman said, "Honey, my titties are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

The man replied, "Of course they are dear, one's in your oatmeal and the others in your coffee!"

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years older than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?"

What do you do if your bank account stops working?
→ Throw the guy out of the house.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?
→ They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

Why do men die before their wives?
→ Because they want to.

How do you scare a man?
→ Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.