Marriage Jokes — best jokes

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."

"Yes, this is June."

"Will you marry me?"

"Of course I will! Who's this?"

In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.

Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven't changed at all!

A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

- Wife: No, I can't marry anyone after you.

- Johnson: But I want you to.

- Wife: But why?

- Johnson: Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!

What Exactly Is Marriage?
→ "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old
→ "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
→ "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old
→ "My mother says to look for a man who is kind.... That's what I'll do.... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
→ "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
→ "They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down... It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old
→ "My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years old

What Do Most People Do on a Date?
→ "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old
→ "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years old

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
→ "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old
→ "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you.... If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
→ "You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old
→ "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old
→ "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old

At a friend's wedding, the bridal party filled their car with balloons--all filled with laughing gas. They put them everywhere, under seats, in the glove box, etc. They popped the balloons, and everyone was relaxed and laughing. But balloons were popping all during the trip of their honeymoon. They said they enjoyed the trick.

When the groom asks the best man for the ring, he turns and nervously says he doesn't have it, who then turns to the next groomsman and asks the same question, and so on until the last person turns and grabs a giant box of Cracker Jacks that contained the wedding ring.

The whole church was rolling as the best man and his co-horts had the last laugh. It was truely classic.

For a small fee, you can get an agency to have a pregnant "ex-girlfriend" appear at the service, in a wedding gown, claiming the groom-to-be the father of her child and demanding she should be the one to be married. The one I saw even had a bunch of dead flowers with her!

Balloons
Obtain access to their getaway car. Fill with balloons. A few extra helium balloons in the trunk with their luggage is a nice touch.

Add some peanuts
If you can get access to their luggage after they have packed, add styrofoam peanuts in whatever nooks and crannies are left.

Impossible to drive away
Jack up the car, put blocks under the axle, then lower the car onto the blocks. When the newlyweds try to make their getaway, watch them rev...and rev...and rev.

At my cousin's wedding, my dad (who doesn't much care for his nephew's bride) thought it would be funny to flick his cigarette at her back as she walked down the aisle. It got caught in her hair and started to smolder. Her father had to get it out while she cried hysterically. Then he punched my Uncle Raymond, whom he thought had tossed it, right square in the forehead and ended up breaking his own hand. Good wedding.