Language Jokes — best jokes

There was a gay lad from Kartoume
Took a lesbian up to his room
Well, they argued all night
as to who had the right
To do what, with which and to whom

- Teacher: Johnny, use defeat, deduct, defense, and detail in one sentence.

- Johnny: De-feet of DE-duck went over De-fence before De-tail.

Confucious say...

All who fly upside-down have crack up.

He who stand on toilet high on pot.

He who shits brick has square hole.

Fly who sit on toilet seat get pissed off.

A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.

The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door.

The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, "Hey, what do you think you're doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you're just going to leave?"

The panda bear answers calmlly, "I'm a panda bear." The bartender says, "Yeah, so?" The panda bear replies, "Look it up," and walks out the door.

The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up "panda bear," and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear.

He reads the caption, which says, "Panda Bear--a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves."

What did one casket say to the other?
→ Was that you coffin?

Why was the belt arrested?
→ Because it held up a pair of pants!

Are you harboring a fugitive?
→ Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P.
→ Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man
→ Dum Gai

Small Horse
→ Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!!
→ No Bai Dam Thing!!

Did you go to the beach?
→ Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table
→ Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a facelift
→ Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here
→ Wai So Dim?

Has your flight been delayed?
→ Hao Long Wei Ting?

An unauthorized execution
→ Lin Ching

I thought you were on a diet
→ Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone
→ No Pah King

You are not very bright
→ Yu So Dum

I got this for free
→ Ai No Pei

I am not guilty
→ Wai Hang Mi?

Please, stay a while longer
→ Wai Go Nao?

Our meeting was scheduled next week
→ Wai Yu Kum Nao

They have arrived
→ Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight
→ Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile
→ Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive
→ Hu Man Go!

Pew! does this bathroom stink!
→ Hu Flung Dung?

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh.... I could be eating a slow learner.

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.

Among them were:

• His obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
• His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
• The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
• The constipated uncle: Cant Gogh
• The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
• The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U Gogh
• The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
• The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
• His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
• His Italian uncle: Day Gogh
• His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
• The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
• The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
• The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
• A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
• The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
• His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
• The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
• An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
• The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh
• And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
→ They're hiring.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam."

How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long?
→ Polaroids.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
→ National Dyslexia Association.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
→ Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
→ Quattro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
→ Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
→ A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
→ Anyone can roast beef.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
→ They all have phones.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
→ Sanka.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
→ Because they have big fingers.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
→ A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick.