Kids Jokes — best jokes

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

What Exactly Is Marriage?
→ "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old
→ "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
→ "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old
→ "My mother says to look for a man who is kind.... That's what I'll do.... I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old

Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
→ "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old

How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
→ "They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down... It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old
→ "My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years old

What Do Most People Do on a Date?
→ "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old
→ "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years old

When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
→ "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old
→ "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you.... If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old

The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
→ "You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old
→ "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old
→ "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old

Proverbs as finished by a fourth grade class:

It is always darkest...
→ Just before you flunk a test.

There is nothing new...under a rock.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with...a private jet.

A committee of three...gets things done when they are not fighting.

If you can't stand the heat...try Antarctica.

Better late than...absent.

A rolling stone...may dent the floor.

If at first you don't succeed...live with it.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry...and then blow your nose.

A bird in the hand is....better than a woodpecker on your head.

Early to bed, early to rise...and you will get the best cereal.

Two heads...are pretty scary.

It is better to light a candle than...to light a bomb.

A miss is as good as...a mister.

A penny saved...is not a lot.

Don't burn your bridges...or you'll fall in the lake.

Haste makes...sweat

A 12-year-old boy comes up to the Polak and says, "I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah."

The Polak answers, "The joke's on you, Johnny. Nyah, nyah, nyah--I wasn't even home last night!"

Angela went up to her mom and ask if she could take missy for a walk. Her mom said no, that missy was in heat.

"What is heat?" Mom said go ask your Dad, he is outside working on car.

Angela goes outside and ask her Dad if she can take missy for a walk, her Mom had said no, that missy was in heat. "What is heat Dad?"

Go get the leash and bring her here. She goes and get missy and brings her back on a leash. Her Dad takes a grease rag and soaks it in Gasoline and swips her bottom with it.

Now you can take her around the block one time. Angela goes down the street and comes back shorty with the leash and no missy. Dad says "where is missy?"

Angela said "missy ran out of gas and another dog pushed her down the street."

Yesterday my daughter and I drove to the babysitters house to pick up my two-year old son. We were about to get in the car to go home when I noticed a baby birds in a nest in a nearby bush.

I gently picked up one of the birds to show my daughter and my son. "See? It's a baby," I said, trying to calm down my son, who was scared of the little bird.

"I don't want a baby, I don't want a baby," he was saying.

"He sounds just like his father," my daughter replied!

Five year old Johnny and his little sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love: "Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!"

The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks: "What do you like best about it?"

"The artwork," says Robert.

"Very good. And you, Peter?"

"Tits!"

"Peter, get out! And you, Johnny?"

"I'm leaving, teacher, I'm leaving."

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say 'ass' and I'll say 'hell'."

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.

"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."

His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"

"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

There was a new girl in school, when asked her name, she replied "Happy-Butt". When hearing this, the teacher said, "Go straight to the principal young lady." At that, she went to the principal. He asked her why she was in the office, and she said "The teacher sent me hear so you can find out my real name." He said "well, what is your name?" she said "My name is Happy-Butt" He said "That's not a name, I'm looking it up in the computer RIGHT NOW!" So he looks in the computer, and he says "it lists here that your name is Gladys." She said "Exactly, Happy-Butt, Glad-Ass... SAME THING!"