Ethnic — best jokes

A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.
The Customs official says, "Have you got anything to declare?"
He thinks a second and he says, "It's a nice-a day!"

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a good, Jewish girl?"

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
→ A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

What do you call counterfeited German currency?
→ Question marks.

What is the best Iraqi job?
→ Foreign Ambassador

How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ That is a military secret. If I told you I'd have to kill you.

How many Iraqis does it take to launch a Scud missile?
→ Two. One to launch it, one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

During the Mexican American War, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances.

Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled, "Hey, Juan!"

A soldier jumped up and replied, "What?" The general shot him dead.
This continued for three days.

A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out, "Hey, John!"

An American replied, "John isn't here. Is that you Juan?"

The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah" . . .

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens.
"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"
"Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner!"