Drunks — best jokes

There was a drunk man walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?" The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys." The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?" The drunk replied, "Shit, I lost my wife, too!"

A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. "Didn't you see the arrow, buddy?" he asked.

"An arrow?" the confused driver said. "I didn't even see the Indians"

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!"

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. .... This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.

The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last test has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bedsheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.

The security guard ask: "What's going on?" To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he asks.

The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!"

The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"

Little old Mr. Ravelli is on his front stoop, barbequeing a chicken on a manual rotisserie. A drunk comes walking along and says, "Hey, man...the music stopped, and your monkey's on fire."

This guys is sitting at the end of a bar. Each time someone comes in the door he says, rapidly, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" At which point they usually ask him what it was he said, and he then says, "Terribly nasty weather." They then go off looking confused.

A drunk a few stools down observes this and finally says, "Say, buddy, I see what'cher doin'-- you're putting people on! When somebody comes in the door you say, Tickle your ass with a feather, and when they say, What did you say to me? you say, terribly nasty weather."

So the guy says to the drunk, "Yeah, it's fun putting people on. Come on down here and you do the next one that comes in."

The drunk moves down to the end of the bar. In a few moments a person enters, and he says to her: "Stick a feather up your ass?" She said, "Excuse me, what did you say?" He says, "Can you believe this fucking weather?"

A drunk goes into a bar sits down and says hey hey bartender can we talk about politics

The bartender says "IF THERE IS ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S POLITICS". A little while later hey bartender can we talk about religon. Again the bartender says "IF THERE'S ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S RELIGON". Then again we hear hey bartender can we talk about sex. The bartender says SURE. The drunk says good............fuck you!

Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at this party they were at the night before.

- 1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.

- 2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!

- 3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed!

- 1st guy: No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog.