Drunks — best jokes

There was a scottsman and he was too drunk to walk home from the bar. He decides to lay down a park bench and sleep. Tomorrow he would walk home after he was sober. In the morning two little girls are walking by to go to school when they see he is wearing his kilt. One of the little girls get curious and decide to lift up his kilt. They see he's not wearing anything under his kilt so one of the little girls takes a blue ribbon out of her hair and ties it around his thing in a nice little bow. They put his kilt back down and go to school. A little while after the man wakes up and natures calling. He finds the nearest bush, lifts up his kilt and looks down. He says in his scotish accent, "I don't know where ya been but ya won first prize."

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

• Indubitably
• Innovative
• Preliminary
• Proliferation
• Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

• Specificity
• British Constitution
• Passive-aggressive disorder
• Loquacious
• Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

• Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
• Nope, no more booze for me
• Sorry, but you're not really my type
• Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

Sign of drinking problem...

You shout, "I'm not as think you drunk I am."

- Buford: Man, have you got a drinking problem!

- Mongo: The hell I do!

- Buford: The hell you don't!

- Mongo: I don't have a drinking problem. I drink... I get drunk... I fall down. No problem!

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers.

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.

The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

McAteer arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.

"No," replied McAteer. "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out," said the Irishman.

A woman goes into a bar with a little Chihuahua dog on a leash.

She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog. The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, "I don't remember eating that!"

"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY"
So what? Who's in a hurry?

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
→ A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.