Drunks — best jokes

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
21. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
22. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
23. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
24. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
25. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
26. Bad cop. No donut.
27. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
28. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
29. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
30. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
31. I pay your salary
32. So uh, you on the take or what?
33. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
34. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
35. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
36. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
37. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
38. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
39. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you". The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.

The bartender said, "I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?"

The man replied, "I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough."

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he'd had enough.

The bartender said, "I've got to ask you. What's with the pocket business?"

"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer's picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I've had enough."

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.

- Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."

- Bartender: "What is a B and C?"

- Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

- Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."

- Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

- Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

- Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

- Bartender: "What's a 15?"

- Blonde: "7 and 7"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.

The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me