Computer Jokes — best jokes

In order to streamline the handling of problems within the system. Please fill out the following questionnaire before sending it in for Help. With your co-operation we should be able to provide faster and more efficient fault resolution.

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM

1. Describe your problem:
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
4. Problem Severity:
   (A) Minor [ ]
   (B) Minor [ ]
   (C) Minor [ ]
   (D) Trivial [ ]
5. Nature of the problem:
   (A) Locked Up [ ]
   (B) Frozen [ ]
   (C) Hung [ ]
   (D) Shot [ ]
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes [ ] No [ ]
7. Is it turned on? Yes [ ] No [ ]
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes [ ] No [ ]
9. Have you made it worse? Yes [ ]
10. Have you read the manual? Yes [ ] No [ ]
11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes [ ] No [ ]
12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No [ ]
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes [ ] No [ ]
14. If 'Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line?
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
17. If 'nothing' explain why you were logged in.
18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes [ ] No [ ]
19. How does this problem make you feel?
20. Tell me about your childhood.
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes [ ] No [ ]
22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes [ ]

• Windows - A danger zone for Fido.
• Modem - A good way to get rid of weeds.
• Mouse - Something the cat chases.

In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "THINK!"

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "THOAP!"

A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for each member of his staff as a New Years gift, was so alarmed when all 50 of them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp post, a newspaper said Thursday.

The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the accident happened, the Fakty daily reported.

"With no more than 100 meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly burst out screeching.

The businessman's fright was such that he simply let go of the steering wheel and the car ploughed into a lamp post."

After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned his attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read: "Congratulations on a successful purchase!"

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a news release stating:

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

• For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day
• Every time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car
• Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on
• Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you'd have to reinstall the engine
• Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats
• MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5 per cent of the roads
• The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light
• New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt
• The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off
• Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna
• GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more (Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department)
• Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car
• You'd press the start button to shut off the engine"

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one but the light bulb must want to change!

All children who entered the world in the 1980s and later were born with a special mutated gene that enables them to know which buttons to push on electronic gadgets.

My wife gave me a lesson the other night on User Interface Problems, that really points up some of the differences between the sexes.

We were watching CNN's Technology program they have on weekends, when a segment on Virtual Reality came on.

Looking at the all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me and said that Virtual Reality would never catch on with women.

I was puzzled by this, until she explained, "Every woman's first thought on seeing that helmet will be, 'I can't wear that. It will mess up my hair!'"

Difference Between A Computer And A Woman:
→ A computer will not laugh at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.

It's time to turn your computer off and read a book when....

1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10. You can't call your mother. She doesn't have a modem.
11. You check you mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again.
12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
15. You start tilting you head sideways to smile.
16. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to 10 friends.