Blonde Jokes — best jokes

A blonde says to a brunette:

- Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.

The brunette says:

- Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.

The doctor examined her and said:

- You have acute appendicitis.

The blond yelled at the doctor:

- I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.

The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.

So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

- I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working.

- Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

- Doctor: What was your dream about?

- Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

- Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?

- Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

- Doctor: Then what happened?

- Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

- Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?

- Blonde: Yes it did.

- Doctor: And what did these letter spell?

- Blonde: It said "Pull"

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.

The brunette said:

- We should go to Mars.

The redhead said:

- We should go to the Moon.

The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts:

- Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!

The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said:

- You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!

The blonde said:

- DUH... Not if you go at night!

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

- I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.

- Psychiatrist: Don't you have a phone in your car?

- Blonde: That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.

- Psychiatrist: Uh ... How's that working?

- Blonde: Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet.

- Psychiatrist: And why do you think that is?

- Blonde: I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing.

The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes:

- Parking for drive-through customers only!

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.

When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:

- Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?

The bus driver shakes his head and says:

- No, I'm sorry.

Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters:

- Will it take ME?

10 Blonde Science Fair Projects:

10. Are poisonous snakes really venomous?
11. Is lighter fluid flammable?
12. What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?
13. Are knives sharp?
14. Can sharks hurt a human?
15. What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?
16. Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?
17. Can I go through a brick wall?
18. Can dogs talk?
19. Are blondes really dumb?

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

- Would you mind telling me, Doctor - she asked - how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?

- That's easy - he replied. You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track.

"What sort of question would you ask Doctor?"

"Well, you might ask them..."

"Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.

Which one?"

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh:

- You wouldn't happen to have another example would you?

"I must confess I don't know much about history." (DOH!)

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

- Well, what do you want? - he snarled at the blonde.

- I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions:

- Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?

The officer replied:

- Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there.

She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said:

- Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?

The blonde replied:

- Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...

- The 45th bus just went by!

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.

The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.

This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

- How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city. Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked:

- Honey, are you feeling all right?

- Not really - the blonde replied.

- I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train.

- Poor dear - Mom said.

- Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?

- I couldn't - she replied.

- there was no one there.