Animal Jokes — best jokes

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.

The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"

The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.

I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"

The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.

The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself." The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"

"Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be waited on.

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today.

The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."

"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied.

"This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadow again and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my dick and pull yourself up." And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes!

Top 15 Household Pet Dishes

15. Angelfish Cake
16. Hamster and Cheese on Rye
17. Chow Chow Mein
18. Bran Muffy
19. Eggs BenjiDict
20. Yorkieshire pudding
21. Shih-Tzu Kabobs
22. Potbelly Pig in a Blanket
23. Shrimp Cockatiel
24. Fettucine AlFido
25. Chicken Poodle Soup
26. Turtlellini
27. Lhasa Thermidor
28. Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas
29. I'll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes

The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.

The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."

The French submited a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."

The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."

The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"
Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"
The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"
And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."

But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"

Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.

After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with rasins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffin without rasins. Drop the muffin as usual. When the white elephant finds out that the muffin lacks raisins, it will darken in anger.

And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

• The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant
  or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
• The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
• The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture
  or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
• The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
• The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
• The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
• The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
• The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
• The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
• The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants
• The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
• The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

What has two grey legs and two brown legs?
→ An elephant with diarrhea.

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
→ Lots of room!

What do you do when an elephant comes through the window?
→ Swim for it...