Random joke from this category
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl:
- I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting.
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.
Chester says:
- Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.
Earl says:
- You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says:
- I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!
Chester says:
- Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says:
- This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says:
- Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!
The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey:
- Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?
- Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse.
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:
- He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab:
- Sorry I took so long - he says:
- Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
- That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits - he said:
- Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?
At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
- Hey - the husband said:
- let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does.
Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
- Now - said the husband with an evil smile:
- tell HIM you have a headache!
What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
→ A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.
A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed. After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her:
- Do you want them mounted?
Blushing, she said:
- No. Holding hands will be fine.
One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk. He replied:
- Who said that?!
Once again he heard the same thing:
- Jesus is watching you!
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was.
The parrot replied:
- Cornelius.
The robber said:
- What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!
The parrot said:
- The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says:
- Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home. He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk:
- Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun - the farmer ended with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says:
- Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says:
- SHHHH, they're getting closer...
- Customer: Do you have any cockroaches?
- Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.
- Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.
- Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?
- Customer: I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.
