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The Moose Costume

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.

Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool) They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.

They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said:

- OK, lets get out and get him!

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts:

- THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!

The front guy says:

- Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass, but you better start to brace yourself!

Baby Turtle

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said:

- Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?

Dog Chalkboard Assignments

This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment for him/her.

  1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
  2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
  3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
  4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
  5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
  6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.
  7. I will get rid of those cats.
  8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.
  9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).
  10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
  11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.
  12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.
  13. I will share everything I eat with my master.
  14. I will allow my master on the couch.
  15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
  16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
  17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
  18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.
  19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.
  20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."
  21. I will not cut my master's nails.
  22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.
  23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".
  24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.
  25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.
  26. I will not bring home any more cats.
  27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.
  28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.
  29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.
  30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
  31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.
  32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.
  33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice.
  34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.
  35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.
  36. Dog bladders are not large.
  37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.
  38. I will not run out of treats.
  39. I will ,make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents, for my master.
  40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
  41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
  42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.
  43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.
  44. I will try much harder to understand my master's language.
  45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.
  46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.
  47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.
  48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.
  49. I will always carry cookies and treats.
  50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.
  51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA, she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.
  52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.
  53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair".
  54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.
  55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".

Why Dogs Don't Use Computers

- Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

- Fetch command not available on all platforms.

- Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

- Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

- Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

- Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

- Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

- Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

- Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

- Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

- Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.

- Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

- Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

- Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

- SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

- SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

- Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.

- Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

- Too Hard To Type With Paws.

What Cats Think About

Ten things a cat thinks about:

- I could have sworn I heard the can opener.

- Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?

- Why doesn't the government do something about dogs?

- I wonder if Morris really liked 9-Lives, or did he have ULTERIOR motives?

- Hmmm ... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get these STUPID dogs to do anything for us?

- This looks like a good spot for a nap.

- Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.

- Would humans have built a vast and complex civilization of their own if we cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?

- If there's a God, how can He allow neutering?

- If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let THEM know who's boss!

Number One Sport

A woman, while touring a small South American country, was shown a bullfight. The guide told her:

- This is our number one sport.

The horrified woman said:

- Isn't that revolting?

- No - the guide replied.

- revolting is our number two sport.

New Rooster

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried. So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster- I've got to do something about this! He walks up to the new bird and says:

- So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself.

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definately thought he was more than a match for the old guy.

- You're on - he said.

- and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella.

By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself.....

- Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month.

Upside Down Birds

Tennessee folks make fun of their northern Virginian neighbors with this quip:

You know why birds fly upside down over Scott County, Virginia?
→ "Cause there ain't nothin' worth shittin' on up there!"

Two Zebras

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other:

- Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?

The other replies:

- Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.

So that night he did and God replied:

- You are what you are.

The next day he said to the other zebra:

- I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are.

The second zebra responds:

- You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is.