Animal Jokes — best jokes

Why did the Canadian cross the road?
→ He saw some American do it on TV.

Why don't Polish people kill frogs?
→ Because it's their national bird.

A black guy walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder...the bartender looks up and says:

- Where the hell did you get that thing?

The Parrot replies:

- Over in Africa, there's millions of them!!!!

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said:

- In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg.

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose.
The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said:

- Now it's my turn to punch you.

The Scotsman said:

- Keep the lousy egg.

A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command ("Jump!").

In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook:

- Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly.

So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again:

- Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly.

Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again:

- Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly.

Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened.
He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion:

- Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing.

An elephant was walking in a park. With each step he took, he squished many little ants. Upset, the ants began to crawl up on the elephant -- first his legs and then up all over his body. When the elephant started feeling all the little ants on him, he shook hard, making all the little ants, except for one, fall to the ground. As the only ant on the elephant hung on close to the elephant's neck, the ones on the ground began to yell, "Strangle him!!! Strangle him!!!"

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him.
The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game:

- What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?

The elephant replied:

- Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up.

Two elephants jumped off a cliff.......
BOOM BOOM!

What happened when the elephant sat on the car?
→ Everyone knows a Mercedes Bends!

Why did the elephant eat the candle?
→ He wanted a light snack!