Best jokes

What goes hum-choo, hum choo?
→ A bee with a cold !

She's so stupid she thinks a shoplifter is a very strong person who goes round picking up shops.

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw ?
He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day.
He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day.
The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was.
The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?

I saw a pen in a store the other day. I picked it up and took a look at it cause it was prettier than most.
The clerk said:

- It's made in Germany.

I said:

- That's too bad, I can't use it then.

The clerk said:

- What's the matter? You don't like German pens?

I said:

- No. I just never learned to write German.

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other:

- Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?

- I don't know - responded the other.

- I'll ask him.

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss:

- Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?

- Intelligence - the boss said.

- What do you mean, intelligence'?

The boss said:

- Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.

The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said:

- That's intelligence!

The ditch digger went back to his hole.
His friend asked:

- What did he say?

- He said we are down here because of intelligence.

- What's intelligence? - said the friend.

The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said:

- Take your shovel and hit my hand.

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

- I have an idea - said Mike.

- We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.

- What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.

- What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there.

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside:

- You skin this one while I go and get another!

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked:

- when did you bag him?

The host said:

- that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife.

- What's he stuffed with - asked the visiting hunter.

- My wife.

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back, as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he said:

- The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind.

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other:

- Do you know where we are?

- I think so - replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says:

- Did you see that?

- No - the second guy says.

- Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead - the first guy says.

- Oh - says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says:

- Did you see that?

- See what? - the second guy asks.

- Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.

- Oh.

A few minutes later the first guy says:

- Did you see that?

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says:

- Yes, I did!

And the first guy says:

- Then why did you step in it?