- Stewardess
- Yes, Sir?
- I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.
- Captain, shut up and land the plane.
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A small twin-prop commuter plane was hijacked by a desperate animal rights extremist who vowed to kill one of the passengers to demonstrate his serious intentions.
There were two passengers present, a microbiologist and a yeast geneticist.
The hijacker gave each one two minutes to explain why they shouldn't be killed. The microbiologist (who studied bacteria) talked for 1 minute 59 seconds explaining that he studies bacteria, bacteria are model organisms for the study of genetics and physiology etc. etc. and finished with an emotional, bacteria-laden plea which had the hijacker in tears. When he was done, they turned to the yeast geneticist who said:
- let me explain to you why yeast genetics is an important discipline...
but he was interrupted by the microbiologist who exclaimed:
- Shoot me! Shoot me!
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it--until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
- Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...
- ATC: Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions?
- Cessna: To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.
- ATC: I meant in the next five minutes not years.
On a flight with EasyJet back in 1997 the pilot made what can only be describes as an extremely heavy landing at Luton. It was very early in the morning and a number of passenger around me looked quite alarmed as, apart from the noise, a number of overhead lockers dropped open and several items of carry-on luggage were launched down the aisle.
After slowing up, the aircraft turned off the runway and turned towards the stand and over the PA came:
- Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is Captain Smith, welcome to Luton...and if any of you were asleep...
- I bet you're not now!
- Flight 1234, are you ready to copy holding instructions?
- Center, make that request on the next frequency....
- Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings..
- OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!
- Little boy to airline pilot: You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting.
- Pilot: Not if I do it right.
A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The hotdog said over the air:
- Anything you can do, I can do better.
The veteran bomber pilot answered:
- Try this hot-shot.
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked:
- So? What did you do?
- I just shut down two engines, kid.
