Best jokes

- Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again.

- How can you be so sure?

- I was 10 years old yesterday.

Sam's girlfriend's birthday was the same day as his father's. He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume and his father a pistol.

He wrapped the perfume and wrote a note to his girlfriend, saying:

- Use this all over yourself and think of me.

Unfortunately he put the note on his father's present.

When is your birthday?
→ 17th January.

What year?
→ Every year!

What did you get for your birthday?
→ Another year!

A kindly old lady came across a little boy sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out.

- What's the matter? - she asked.

- It's my birthday! - he hollered.

- And I had a bicycle and a new tracksuit and this afternoon there's to be a party with crisps and jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards... - and he had to stop talking because he was crying so hard.

- But that's lovely - said the old lady.

- Why are you crying?

- Because I'm lost!

- I'd like to say something nice about you as it's your birthday.

- Why don't you?

- Because I can't think of a single thing to say!

- I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday.

- That was a kind thought. But why didn't you?

- I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.

- Have you noticed that your mother smells a bit funny these days?

- No. Why?

- Well, your sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet water for her birthday.

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.

- Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am - he said politely, but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.

- That's right.

- Every day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.

- Well, today is his birthday.

Good news! I've been given a goldfish for my birthday...
the bad news is that I don't get the bowl until my next birthday!