Best jokes

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

- I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family - said the man.

- To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.

The son-in-law interrupted:

- I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.

- I see - replied the father-in-law.

- Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.

- I hate office work - said the son-in-law.

- I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.

- Wait a minute - said the father-in-law.

- I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?

- Easy - said the young man.

- Buy me out.

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said:

- I forgot my teeth.

The man said:

- No problem.

With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.

- Try these - he said.

The speaker tried them.

- Too loose - he said.

The man then said:

- I have another pair...try these.

The speaker tried them and responded:

- Too tight.

The man was not taken back at all. He then said:

- I have one more pair of false teeth...try them.

The speaker said:

- They fit perfectly.

With that he ate his meal and gave his address.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

- I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist.

The man replied:

- I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker.

A Japanese guy is at Los Angeles International Airport, waiting for his flight back home to Japan. While he's waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change his remaining dollars. He counts his money at the counter.

- Wait a minute - he says to the clerk.

- When I came here I got more dollars for my yen. What's going on here?

- Fluctuations - says the clerk.

The Japanese man stiffens:

- Well! Fluck you Americans, too!

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:

- Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check.

In a short time he received the following reply:

- Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine.

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

- Boss - he says.

- We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.

- We're short-handed, Smith - the boss replies.

- I can't give you the day off.

- Thanks, boss - says Smith.

- I knew I could count on you!

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.'

The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order!

When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!

The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says:

- You got me this time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

- How do they feel? - asks the sales clerk.

- Well they feel a bit tight - replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.

- Try pulling the tongue out - the clerk says.

- Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.

There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.

The first beggar wrote "Beggar" on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.

The next day, the second beggar wrote "Beggar.com" on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.

The following day, the third beggar wrote "e-Beg" on his cup.

Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said:

- We have an opening for people like you.

- Oh, great - he said.

- What is it?

- It's called the door!