Best jokes

- Judge: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand?

- Witness: Yes

- Judge: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995?

- Witness: Oral.

- Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

- Defendant: No, I did not.

- Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

- Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked:

- Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded:

- Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked:

- Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied:

- Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace:

- If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!

A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.

- Not guilty - the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the woman and said:

- Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?

The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said:

- What was the date again?

People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.

- Judge: Is it true that you owe your neighbor a thousand dollars?

- Defendant: Yes, it's true.

- Judge: Then, why don't you just pay him back?

- Defendant: Because it wouldn't be true anymore.

The judge said to his dentist: "Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."

The Judge asked the defendant:

- Mr. Jones, do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

- I do.

- Now what do you say to defend yourself?

- Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing.

How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ It was supposed to be in place last week!

How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.