Best jokes

An airforce officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of attmittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two seabees harrassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentelman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this seabee to stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!

SIX PHASES OF THE MONTH IN NAVY RECRUITING

1. ENTHUSIASM
2. DISILUSIONMENT
3. PANIC
4. SEARCH FOR THE GUILTY
5. PUNISHMENT OF THE INNOCENT
6. PRAISE AND HONORS FOR THE NON-PARTICIPANTS

Why is a psychiatrist like a squirrel?
→ Because they are both surrounded by nuts.

What do you know when you see three rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats?
→ You know you need a psychiatrist!

- Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm going crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear.

- Amazing! So you have.

- How could that have happened?

- I can't understand it either, because I planted cabbage!

A woman entered a psychiatrist's consulting room leading a kangaroo.

- I'm worried about my husband, doctor - she said.

- He keeps thinking he's a kangaroo!

Did you hear about the auto mechanic who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying under the couch?

- Why did you charge me a group rate?

- You've got multiple personalities.

- Why are you so upset?

- My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning.

- So what?

- So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I've been telling you about'.

- The trouble is, - said the entertainer to the psychiatrist, - that I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't tell jokes, I can't act, I can't play an instrument or juggle or do magic tricks or do anything!

- Then why don't you give up show business?

- I can't - I'm a star!