A little monster was learning to play the violin:
- I'm good, aren't I? - he asked his big brother.
- You should be on the radio - said his brother.
- You think I'm that good?
- No, I think you're terrible, but if you were on the radio, I could switch you off!
If you found a five dollar bill in every pocket of your coat, what would you have?
→ Someone else's coat.
Ted said to his friend:
- can you lend me $10?
- But I only have $8 - his friend replied.
That's OK, you can always owe me the other $2!
Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
- You should give that money to charity - said the shopkeeper.
- No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!
- William: May I have some money for the man crying outside?
- Mum: What crying man?
- William: The one that's crying: Ice cream! Ice Cream!
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
- I've lost five cents - sobbed Johnny.
- Don't worry - said his dad kindly.
- Here's five more for you.
At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
- Now what is it? - asked his dad.
- I wish I'd said I'd lost ten cents!
An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper.
- Alec! - yelled the teacher.
- you've done nothing. Why?
- Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!
Three boys were walking along the beach one day when they see a cave. The first boy goes in and is looking at a banknote on a big rock when a ghostly voice calls out:
- I am the ghost of Auntie Abel and this five dollars stays on the table!
The second boy goes in and is reaching for the money when the same thing happens again.
The third boy goes in, sees the five dollars and cries out:
- I am the ghost of David Crockett and this five dollars goes in my pocket!
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa:
- Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said:
- Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.
Elmore walked into his favorite truck stop cafe and said to the owner:
- Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on a raffle?
- Whada ya win?
- A million dollars! - said the redneck.
- You get a dollar a year for a million years.
- How much are they each?
- Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or three for half a dollar!
