Best jokes

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout:

- PRAISE THE LORD!

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout:

- There ain't no Lord!!

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted:

- PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted:

- PRAISE THE LORD.

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said:

- Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't.

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said:

- PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!

Two police officers saw this old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she would say as she stroked the officers arm is "Your Passionate" They drove awhile longer and asked again, again the same response as she stroked his arm "Your Passionate". The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, Look we have driven around this City for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live. She replied I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked:

- Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded:

- Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked:

- Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied:

- Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.

At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace:

- If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other:

- Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?

- Outstanding - Fred replied - They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me.

- That's great! What was the name of the clinic?

Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked:

- What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?

- You mean a rose?

- Yes, that's it!

He turned to his wife. . .

- Rose, what was the name of that clinic?

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry.
She immediately said:

- yes.

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was!

- Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny...

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

- Oh - she said - I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was.

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

- Who's the boss around here? - he asked.

- I am. - said the man.

- I have a black horse and a brown horse - the farmer said - which one would you like?

The man thought for a minute and said:

- The black one.

- No, no, no, get the brown one. - the man's wife said.

- Here's your chicken. - said the farmer.

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

- I couldn't help noticing how happy you look - she said - What's your secret for a long happy life?

- I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day - he said - I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.

- That's amazing - the woman said - How old are you?

- Twenty-six - he said.

There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nursing for the aged would be appropriate.

Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to see how the old man's first day was going.

- How you doing today? - she said to the old man - First day I see.

The Old man replied with a nod.

In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.

As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said:

- My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too.

- That's okay. - said the old man - I feel so much better being able to talk to someone.

Looking into the bowl the orderly said:

- I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!

The old man responded:

- That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow.

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says:

- Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps.

The second old man says:

- You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps.

Finally the third old man speaks up:

- Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up.

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.