Best jokes

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are.

What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him.

What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole.

What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!

What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together.

What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their parents.

What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents every fault and make their life a living hell.

1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife.... I hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart and soul, I am forever yours."
5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."
10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!!"
15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"
16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned to divorce proceedings..."

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking.

One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said:

- You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her.

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied:

- Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her.

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said:

- Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself.

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says:

- I'll be home in an hour.

- Perfect - she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says:

- Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half.

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.

- What should I do? - he asks.

The Doctor replied:

- It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?

- Yes - the man replied.

- Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead? - said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay:

- But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper...

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself.

- You don't have to let your wife bully you - he said.

- Go home and show her you're the boss.

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled:

- From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar. As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said:

- Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw.

- That guy - said the bride:

- double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!

I was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was talking about marriage, and then his wife. He drank some, then said:

- Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is... well... my wife knows nothing of my wants and needs... she's hardly ever in the mood for sex... I guess what it comes down to is that my wife just doesn't understand me at all, does yours?

I thought about it a minute or two, then said:

- I don't think so George, as a matter of fact, I don't recall her ever even mentioning your name at all.

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.

The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."

A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.

Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry"?

But let's get real here guys, I mean who exactly are we kidding? A husband controls his wife in much the same manner as a barometer controls the weather.