Best jokes

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely:

- I demand proper manners in bed - she declared - just as I do at the dinner table.

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.

- Is that better? - he asked, with a hint of a smile.

- Yes - replied the girl - much better.

- Very good, darling - the husband whispered.

- Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said:

- I want you to help me get a divorce.

The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.

- My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.

- What do you mean? - asked the attorney.

- Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?

- No - replied the woman - and neither does the little queer.

A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.

- Yes, please - she replied.

- Tell him Mother didn't come after all.

- Moe: My wife converted me to religion.

- Joe: Really?

- Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

- What would you like to do next? - he asked.

- I wanna be weighed - she said. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed.

- One-twelve - said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.

Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

- I wanna be weighed - she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked:

- What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?

- Wousy - said the girl.

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper:

- Darling am I the first man to make love to you?

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable.

- Of course you are! - she said.

- And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions.

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here lies my wife.....cold as ever" Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: "Here lies my husband.....stiff at last"

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"

The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"

The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"