Best jokes

A man took his wife to the doctors.

After a short examination the doctor said:

- Your wife's mind has completely gone!

To which the man replied:

- I'm not surprised.

- She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!

Six stages of married life:

1. Tri-weekly
2. Try weekly
3. Try weakly
4. Try oysters
5. Try anything
6. Try to remember

Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders.

He says:

- When did you start wearing them?

To which the other man replies:

- Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car.

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

- First - said the playboy - I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose.

- Oh no you're not - said the girl.

- Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.

- Oh no you're not.

- Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.

- Oh no you're not.

- Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you.

- Oh no you're not.

- And I'm not going to wear a condom either! - said the guy.

- Oh yes you are! - said the girl.

A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later he received this letter.

Most Honorable Sir,
You leave house,
He come to house.

He and she leave house,
I follow.

He and she go to hotel,
I climb tree to see.

He kiss she,
she kiss he.

He strip she,
she strip he.

I play with me,
I fall out of tree,
I not see.

No fee,
Chen Lee

What's the best way to make yourself last with your girlfriend?
→ Let everyone go first!

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells his wife about the purchase he's just made.

- Olympic condoms? - she blurts - What makes them so special?

- There are three colors - he explains - gold, silver and bronze.

- So what color are you gonna wear tonight? - she asks with a grin.

- Gold of course - says the proud man.

The wife responds:

- Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice if you came second for a change!

When is premature ejaculation a serious problem?
→ When it occurs between "hello" and "what's your sign?"

The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties:

- After all, dear - she said to her husband - you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?

- No - her husband replied.

- Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver.