Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.
Holmes said:
- Watson, look up. What do you see?
- Well, I see thousands of stars.
- And what does that mean to you?
- Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?
- To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.
You know you're in a small town:
- when you don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.
- if you're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local merchants because you're the first baby of the year.
- if you speak to each dog you pass, by name ..... and he wags his tail at you
- if you dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
- when the biggest business in town sells farm machinery.
- if you write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.
- if you missed church on Sunday and the preacher sends you a get-well card!
This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops. The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied:
- Earl.
- You got a last name, Earl?
- Nope. It's a long story, Officer.
- I got time.
Earl sighs and says:
- Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I'm now just Earl.
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open.
The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said:
- Are you okay?
The woman answered:
- I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in.
Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store workers called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.
A Pillsbury biscuit cannister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in.
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my acquaintance-rape survivor gave to me:
- TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
- ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...),
- TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
- NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
- EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,
- SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
- SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,
- FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
- FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
- THREE deconstructionist poets,
- TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,...
And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit.
- Don't be stupid - says the barman.
- We've got a perfectly good toilet here!
- Yes - explains the drinker.
- but I take salts.
- So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!
The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar.
- What the hell went on in there?! - he demands.
- I told you - explained the drinker.
- No, you said that you take salts! - yelled the barman.
- That's right - the drinker shrugs.
- somersaults.
To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices. You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.
NOTICE COMMITTEE FOR NOTICING NOTICES
This is a story about four people named Everbody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everbody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
Names to Use in Prank Calls:
- Hugh G. Rection
- Jim Nassium
- Claire Voyence
- Buster Hyman
- Anita Moore (Roger's Mom)
- Dick Peede
- Mike Hunt
- Mai Dixie Wrecked
- Jon Doe's brother Dil
