Best jokes

THERE WERE THREE OLD LADIES SITTING AROUND THE KITCHEN TABLE; GERTRUDE, SOPHIA, AND HARRIET. GERTRUDE SAID:

- I THINK I'LL GO UPSTAIRS NOW AND TAKE A BATH.

SHE TOOK ALL HER CLOTHES OFF AS SHE WAS FILLING UP THE TUB, SHE HAD ONE FOOT IN THE TUB AND THE OTHER STILL OUTSIDE THE TUB. SHE SAID:

- WAS I GOING INTO THE TUB, OR COMING OUT OF THE TUB?

SOPHIA AND HARRIET WERE DOWNSTAIRS CHATTING WITH EACH OTHER, WHEN SOPHIA SAID:

- YOU KNOW, GERTRUDE'S BEEN UP THERE FOR QUITE A WHILE, I'D BETTER GO CHECK ON HER.

AS SHE WAS GOING UP THE STAIRS SHE STOPPED AND TURNED AROUND AND SAID:

- WAS I GOING UP THE STAIRS, OR COMING DOWN THE STAIRS?

HARRIET WAS LEFT SITTING AT THE TABLE BY HERSELF. AFTER SHE HEARD SOPHIA'S REMARK SHE SAID:

- THANK GOODNESS I'M NOT THAT BAD KNOCK ON WOOD.

- WAS THAT THE FRONT DOOR OR THE BACK DOOR?

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body, he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body. he noticed that he is really sun-tanned all over, except his penis, and he decies to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, strips completey and burries himself in the sand, except for his penis sticking out of the sand.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says:

- There is no justice in this world

The other lady says:

- What do you mean?

The first lady says:

- Look at that

When I was 10 Yeras old I was afriad of it.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild

An old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfast table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man said:

- You know, 50 years ago, we were probably sitting here buck naked.

The woman said:

- Why don't we try that again?

So they stripped and sat down at the table again. Soon the old woman said:

- Honey, my titties are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.

The man replied:

- Of course they are dear, one's in your oatmeal and the others in your coffee!

The 75 year old man and his young, knockout wife were shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the man's oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the friend asked:

- How in the hell did YOU land a wife like that?

The old man whispered back:

- Easy. I told her I was 90!

One day an older fella was in for a checkup.

After his examination, his doctor was amazed.

- Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!

- Did I say I was 64?

- Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?

- Damn straight you did! I'm 85!

- 85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?

- Did I say he was dead?

- You mean...

- Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!

- My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?

- Did I say he was dead?

- No! You can't mean...

- Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!

- 126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a man would want to get married at that age!

- Did I say he 'wanted' to get married?...

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down next to the grieving widow.

- How old was your husband? - he asked.

- He was ninety-eight - she answered softly.

- Two years older than I am.

- Really? - the undertaker said.

- Hardly worth going home, wouldn't you say?

There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment.

One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store.

He went up to the shop assistant and asked:

- Could I have a fucket please?

The assistant asked:

- Pardon sir?

- Can I have a fucket please? - Replied the man.

- Oh you mean a bucket! - The shop assistant replied.

The old man said:

- Yes, that's what I said.

So the man paid for his bucket and went into the antique shop. In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked:

- Can I have a cock please?

The cashier looked very puzzled and asked:

- Pardon?

The man again asked:

- Can I have a cock please?

The cashier replied:

- Oh you mean a clock! - yes certainly sir.

So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant and asked:

- Can I have a bum please?

The assistant said:

- Sorry sir what did you say?

So he repeated himself:

- Can I have a bum please?

The assistant said:

- Oh right, you mean a bun!

The old man said:

- Yes that's what I said in the first place.

So the man bought a bun and walked out of the shop. As he was walking down the street a little old lady came up to him and asked:

- Excuse me sir, but do you know the time?

The man replied:

- Yes certainly, hold my bum and fucket while I get my cock out.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Four. Actually, only one to screw it in.
The other 3 are there to listen to him brag about the screwing part!

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
→ Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

What do you do if your bank account stops working?
→ Throw the guy out of the house.