Best jokes

US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.

After fifteen minutes speaking he says:

- I will now answer any questions you have.

Bobby stands up and says:

- I have four questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Just then the bell goes and the kids rushed out to play. Upon returning, Mr Ashcroft said:

- I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any questions you have.

A little girl called Julie stands up and says:

- I have six questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden?
3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties?
4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?
5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early?
6. Where is Bobby?

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To escape an oppressive military regime.

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

- Hello?

- Hello, is this the FBI?

- Yes. What do you want?

- I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.

- Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Thibodeaux and leave.

The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.

- Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?

- Yeah!

- Did they chop your firewood?

- Yep

- Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish - she asks:

- will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says:

- No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?

- Osama Bin Laden - she says.

- Why Osama Bin Laden - her father asks in shock.

Well, she says:

- I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride:

- Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.

Melissa says:

- I know, and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him.

When white man found this land, Indians were running it.

There were:

- No Taxes

- No Debt

- Plenty buffalo

- Plenty beaver

- Medicine man free

- Women did all the work

- Men hunted and fished all the time

The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!

Dear Abby:

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him.

This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat.

I don't know what to do.

Signed Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.

What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?
→ "Not according to Dad."

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says:

- No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.

As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other:

- My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money", he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

One day a boy and his father were at the dining room table working on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapter about government. The boy turns to his father and asks:

- Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?

The father replies without hesitating:

- Oh, about ten percent.