Best jokes

When shouldn't a mountain climber call for help?
→ When he's hanging by his teeth.

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.

He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said:

- I see you were a golfer, is that correct?

- Yes, I am - he replied.

St Peter then said:

- Do you hit the ball a long way?

The golfer replied:

- You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?

Why is "red" the colour of the University of Georgia?
→ Because they can't spell "crimson" or "scarlet".

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:

- Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players.

- You can't keep him from playing! - the coach roared. - We won't win this weekend without him!

- I don't care - the dean said. - Things have gotten out of hand at this college.

- What do you mean, out of hand? - the coach demanded.

- I'll show you what I mean - the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said:

- Tell me, how much is six times seven?

The player thought for several seconds. Then he said:

- Thirty-one?

The dean turned to the coach and said:

- I rest my case.

- Oh, come on now - the coach said. - Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one.

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven.

- Sorry, old man - Peter said - But I can't let you in. You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back in 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game.

- Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry Peter, but I can explain... - the old golfer blithered.

- Well - said Peter - You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy.

So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's office:

- We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain...

- So - booms God - You've been taking my name in vain.

- Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!

- OK. Try me - replied the Lord.

- Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and I made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree...

- And that's when you took my name in vain?

- Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole...

- So, that is when you took my name in vain?

- No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the hole...

- Don't tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

- But why? - they asked, as they moved off.

- Because - he said - I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Did you hear the joke about the football game with the 0-0 score?
→ Never mind it's pointless.

What's better than winning a gold medal at the Para-Olympics?
→ Having arms and legs.

What do you get when you cross Viagra and Rogaine?
→ Don King.