Best jokes

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.

In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.

The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say:

- Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again.

To which the local jock replied:

- Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again.

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

- What's the matter? - the bartender asks.

- My wife and I got into a fight - explained the guy - and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days.

The bartender thought about this for a while.

- But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you? - asked the bartender.

- Yeah, except today is the last night.

A brain walks into a bar and says:

- I'll have a pint of beer please.

The barman looks at him and says:

- Sorry, I can't serve you.

- Why not? - askes the brain.

- You're already out of your head.

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar:

- What'll you have?

The guy answers:

- A scotch, please.

The bartender hands him the drink, and says:

- That'll be five dollars,

to which the guy replies:

- What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender:

- You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy:

- Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says:

- What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!

The guy says:

- What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!

The bartender replies:

- I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.

To which the guy replies:

- Thank you. Make it a scotch.

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says:

- What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?

The motorway replies:

- You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath.

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him. - Why not - asks the golf club.

- You'll be driving later - replies the bartender.

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.

- Does your dog bite?

- No.

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

- I thought you said your dog didn't bite! - the man says indignantly.

- That's not my dog.

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds:

- I vould like some blood.

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds:

- I vould like some blood.

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds:

- I vould like some plasma.

The waitress looks up and says:

- Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says:

- I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts:

- Man, I'm on the wrong bus!

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says:

- Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying.

- No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.