Best jokes

This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings. They're still laughing about this at IBM.

Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000. When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter:

- We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you.

Crash Course in Speaking Chinese

Chinese Phrase - English Translation

- Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table

- Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift

- Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention

- Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?

- Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

- Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host

- Kum Hia: Approach me

- Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island

- Lao Ze: Not very good

- Lin Ching: An illegal execution

- Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program

- Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

- Shai Gai: A bashful person

- Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant

- Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse

- Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people

- Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.

- Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

- Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile

- Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?

- Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

- Look at their reserve, their calm - muses the Brit.

- They must be British.

- Nonsense - the Frenchman disagrees.

- They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.

- No clothes, no shelter - the Russian points out.

- they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.

A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command ("Jump!").

In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook:

- Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly.

So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again:

- Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly.

Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again:

- Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly.

Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion:

- Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle Of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak... "woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, Four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h." "That's amazing" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground"? "No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago"!

An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.

Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said:

- Hey you, what are you doing?

- I have to throw this away - replied the tourist.

- You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me - the policeman offered.

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.

- Here - said the cop.

- dump all the garbage you want.

The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.

- Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy? - asked the tourist.

- No. This is the American Embassy.

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. A reporter comes running up and says:

- Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?

The Saudi says:

- What's a shortage?

The Russian says:

- What's meat?

The North Korean says:

- What's an opinion?

The New Yorker, says:

- Excuse me?? What's excuse me?

Northerners visiting the South

Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.
7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
9. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

- Our flag symbolizes our taxes - he said.

- We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.

- That's the same with us - the American said.

- only we see stars, too.

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking:

- What are you going to do with the money?

- Take jewelry to city and sell it - said the old man.

- What have you got for collateral? - queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

- Don't know of collateral.

- Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?

- Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup.

The banker shook his head:

- How about livestock?

- Yes, I have a horse.

- How old is it?

- I don't know; it has no teeth.

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills:

- Here's the money to pay loan - he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

- What are you going to do with the rest of that money?

- Put it in my pocket.

- Why don't you deposit it in my bank? - he asked.

- I don't know of deposit.

- Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.

The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked:

- What you got for collateral?