Best jokes

Spell Checker Rivalry

FrameMaker and Interleaf are competing documentation products. When the spelling checker of FrameMaker 2.1 encounters the word Interleaf in a document, it flags it as a misspelling. What does it offer as the correct spelling? "FrameMaker"!

Greyhound Substitute Driver

In June a replacement bus driver hired by Greyhound during the drivers' strike met the bus he was to drive from Delaware to New York City. However, a passenger on the bus wound up driving to New York because the substitute driver could not drive a stick shift.

Wrong Place Wrong Time

Four teenagers were arrested in the parking lot of a large mall in Lakeland, Fla., just before Christmas when, attempting to steal an automobile at random, they tried to break into a police van containing three officers on a stakeout.

Denny's Closes Down

Denny's resturants are also open 24 hours a day. When they decided to close last Christmas (first time ever), they realized that a lot of doors did not have locks, most of those that did have locks, no one knew where to find the keys!

Bull Loose In Tokyo

Tokyo, Japan:
A bull bound for slaughter gave its handlers the slip Wednesday and escaped into Tokyo's teeming streets.

The 1,300-pound bull, shipped in from southern Japan, thundered down the gangplank as soon as it was lowered, bolted past port police and headed for the wide open spaces.

More than 20 policeman chased the animal for 40 minutes through nearly three miles of city traffic before managing to herd it into the parking lot of a posh hotel. Waiting patrol cars formed a makeshift corral to avert another escape.

Police then roped the bull's horns and tied it to a tree until the owner came to transport it.

The Repentant Burglar

Des Moines, Iowa:
A repentant burglar returned his loot to its owners, along with a note explaining why:

- My priest said I done a wrong.

More than $200, a pair of sunglasses and some golf balls were found Monday morning on the steps of Potthoff Foods Incorporated, a meat wholesaler.

- He took my sunglasses, but I didn't know he took them until I got them back this morning - sales representative Phil Barber said.

- You know, I don't think something like this happens that often. It's sort of neat. The guy did wrong, but he tried to make it right.

The break-in at Potthoff's happened late Friday or early Saturday. The thief pried open a door and rummaged through some desks.

Potthoff officials said they're not going to depend on the honesty of thieves' nature in the future.

- We are adding an extra security system today - Barber said.

Military Tourism

Moscow, Russia:
First it was a flight in a MiG fighter jet. Then 30 seconds of weightlessness in a cosmonaut-training device.

Soon thrill-seeking tourists may be able to ride in a Russian submarine, tank or missile ship.

Pressed for money and burdened with surplus weaponry since the end of the Cold War, Russia is pioneering a new fad: military tourism.

The only requirements are a taste for adventure and plenty of cash.

As the plane goes into a dive from 30,000 feet, passengers in its padded zero-gravity chamber suddenly rise from the aircraft's floor.

The price for floating free for half a minute: $4,000.

Suspect Sues For Injuries

Fort Worth, Texas:
Lee Lively thought he was doing the right thing when he shot a drunken driving suspect who had beaten up a policeman and was running away.

His faith was shaken when Jesus Puentes demanded $1.7 million for his wounds.

But the jury said Puentes is the one who must pay -- $1.75 million in punitive damages and $1,000 for Cpl. Randy Whisenhunt's injuries.

- We just wanted to make a statement. We're tired of the frivolous lawsuits that are plaguing our court system - juror Elsie Bowles said.

February 17, 1990, Lively saw Puentes grabbing for Whisenhunt's gun. The officer managed to knock it away, but ended up with Puentes sitting on his chest, beating his face.

Lively said he leaped out of his truck and beat Puentes to the gun. As Puentes began to run, Lively said he shouted twice for him to stop, then shot him twice in the legs.

Mysterious Night Wind

Seattle, Washington:
The new U.S. Weather Service radar on Camano Island and atmospheric profiler at Sand Point began to pick up a mysterious 20 mile per hour wind out of the south each night about a month ago, a wind that started about sunset and ended at dawn.

Forecasters finally realized the new instrument is almost too accurate for its own good: It was detecting no wind, but the annual nighttime migration of thousands of birds towards the north, said a meteorologist.