Best jokes

An elderly couple were driving across the country.

The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said:

- Ma'am did you know you were speeding?

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks:

- What did he say?

The old man yells:

- He says you were speeding!

The patrolman says:

- May I see your license?

The woman turns to her husband and asks again:

- What did he say?

The old man yells:

- He wants to see your license!

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says:

- I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.

The woman turned to her husband and asked:

- What did he say?

And the old man yells:

- He said he knows you!

It was spring in the old west.

The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

- Hold on there, partner - said the snake

- don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want.

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said:

- OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding.

The rattlesnake said:

- All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes.

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted:

- Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.

Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.

Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep again.

However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.

As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him:

- I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once. You're a great lover, Morris!

Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says:

- WHAT?... You mean I was here already?!

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.

The doctor says:

- You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well:

- Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember - she says

- I am going to treat you like a king!

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.

She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.

Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her:

- Honey? - he whispers.

She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.

Well, the man decides to tap her again:

- Honey? - he whispers.

She rolls over and yells:

- Oh sure!... You're not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!

George Carlin's Reflections on Life:

1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?
9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!
10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said:

- Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket? - I said

- I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

(Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

Nice legs....what time do they open?

Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

You've got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?

You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute?

What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?
→ On St. Patrick's Day everyone wishes they were Irish.

Why dont mexicans and blacks have children together?
→ They're afraid the kids will grow up too lazy to steal.

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady:

- Why is your stomach so big?

She replied:

- Im having a baby.

With big eyes, he asked:

- Is the baby in your stomach?

She said:

- He sure is.

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked:

- Is it a good baby?

She said:

- Oh, yes. It's a real good baby.

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked:

- Then why did you eat him?

A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon. In the seminary, they had taught him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him.

He started out with a quote, "Behold, I cometh....." but he couldn't remember the rest of it.

So he trys to regain his composure, backs up and starts again... "Behold I cometh..." but he still couldn't remember.

So he rears back and shouts again, "Behold I cometh! ..." but this time he trips over the pulpit and falls right into the lap of a little old lady sitting the front row!

He was embarassed and started apologizing, but before he could finish the woman muttered:

- It isn't your fault sonny - you told me you were coming three times... I should have moved!