Best jokes

These are from actual resumes:

- "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."

- "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

- "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

- "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

- "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

- "Number of dependents: 40."

- "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

- "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB

- "Responsibility makes me nervous."

- "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB

- "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

- "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

- "The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES

- "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

- "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES

- "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

- "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

- "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES

- "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS

- "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING

- "Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

- "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

- "Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

- "I'm a rabid typist."

- "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone. Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes.

Mary Had A Little Lamb
3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or 3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321

Jingle Bells
333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621

Frere Jacques
1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111

Olympic Fanfare
3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321

The Butterfly Song
963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621

Happy Birthday
112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121

Three men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- Paul: My name is Paul.

- St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

- Paul: 120K.

- St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

- Paul: I was a lawyer.

- St. Peter: That's great. Come on in.

St. Peter then turned to the second man.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- Roger: My name is Roger.

- St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

- Roger: 60K.

- St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger, what did you do for a living?

- Roger: I was an accountant.

- St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in.

St. Peter then turned to the second man.

- St. Peter: Hi, what's your name?

- John: My name is John.

- St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?

- John: About $23,000.

- St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.

She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.

The local person replies:

- Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing.

Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov:

- Where are we?

Rachmaninov said:

- Carnegie Hall, sir!

10 Things Not to Say to a GirlFriend's Parents The First Time You Meet Them

1. My parole officer thinks Teri has a calming effect on me.
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
3. Which one of you taught Monica to give such great head?
4. Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
7. Angie is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
8. Nice place you've got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Monica's will be okay too.
10. Can I put my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost...

10 Things People Around the World Learn About Americans by Watching Baywatch

1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.
2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.
3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.
4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.
5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.
6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.
7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.
8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.
9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.
10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.

15 Signs You Forgot Someone On Secretaries Day

1. Phone messages delivered on end of spear.
2. Your important dictation somehow seems to blah blah blah I am a slave-driving cheapskate.
3. A copy of the latest bestseller "So, Your Head's Up Your Ass, Now What?" appears on your desk.
4. When did FTD start doing an "Up Yours" Bouquet?
5. First, a message that Cindy Crawford is on line 2, followed a few seconds later by Satanic laughter.
6. It's not so much the cold coffee, it's the staples at the bottom of the cup.
7. Your big business dinner at the Four Seasons Restaurant in Manhattan is rescheduled for Big Jeb's 24-Hour Truck Stop outside of Newark, New Jersey.
8. Nude picture of Marlon Brando pops up in your Powerpoint presentation.
9. Supposedly shredded Whitewater documents turn up in the Washington Post cafeteria.
10. Now answers the phone, "Smith, Jones and Tighta**."
11. That NY-to-LA trip she booked for you now involves six plane changes, a 12-hour layover in Guam and a personal appearance on Ricki Lake's "I'm A Selfish Pig" episode.
12. Newly-typed organization chart lists your position as "Head Up His Ass."
13. Your computer's mouse has been replaced by an electro-genital shock device.
14. While admittedly funnier than usual, daily Top 5 list she forwards you contains 15 identical "You suck!" entries.
15. Expense report you don't recall submitting comes back with denied charges for "beer & hookers."

14 Things to do While Taking a Driver's Test

1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "buckle up!"
3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.
4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "oops".
5. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas again?"
6. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
7. Fill your car with beer bottles.
8. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
9. Tell the Registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
10. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
11. Swear at everybody on the road.
12. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
13. Beep your horn at everything.
14. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

The World's Shortest Books

25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson
26. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
27. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
28. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
29. Human Rights Advances in China
30. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
31. Al Gore: The Wild Years
32. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
33. America's Most Popular Lawyers
34. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
35. Detroit - A Travel Guide
36. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
37. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
38. Easy UNIX
39. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
40. Everything Men Know About Women
41. Everything Women Know About Men
42. French Hospitality
43. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
44. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
45. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
46. Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
47. Staple Your Way to Success
48. The Amish Phone Directory
49. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion