Best jokes

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:

- Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks:

- Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:

- I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit.

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.

- How was work, dear? - his wife asks.

- Listen! I don't want to talk about work! - he shouts.

- Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal? - she asks nicely.

- Listen! - he shouts again.

- I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage. Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself:

- Well, I guess it's that time of the month.

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl:

- I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting.

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.

Chester says:

- Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.

Earl says:

- You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says:

- I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!

Chester says:

- Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says:

- This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says:

- Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.

- Show the lady your finest mink! - the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers:

- Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.

- No problem! I'll write you a check!

- Very good, sir. - says the shop owner:

- Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged:

- How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!

- I just had to come by - grinned the guy:

- to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!

The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey:

- Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?

- Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse.

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:

- He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab:

- Sorry I took so long - he says:

- Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

- That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits - he said:

- Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

- Hey - the husband said:

- let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does.

Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.

- Now - said the husband with an evil smile:

- tell HIM you have a headache!

What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
→ A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed. After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her:

- Do you want them mounted?

Blushing, she said:

- No. Holding hands will be fine.