Best jokes

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said:

- I've got to take a crap.

The other said:

- Well go behind one of those big trees, and crap.

The first one said:

- But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass.

The other blonde replied:

- You have a dollar, don't you?

The first one said:

- Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!

He left and came back with crap all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked:

- What in the hell happened to you?

The first one replied:

- Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?

Did you hear about the new automatic parachutes, invented by a blond?
→ They open on impact.

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic. Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted:

- Okay, pedestrians!

The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion. Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people. Tweeeeeeeet!

- Okay, pedestrians!

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic:

- Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?

How does a blonde have safe sex?
→ She locks the car door.

A blonde and a brunette were watching the news and they had someone on who was about to jump off a building. The brunette says "I bet u he will jump." The blonde says "ok". Later on he jumps. When the brunette is leaving she says "I can't take your money, I saw it happen already on the 5 o'clock news." The blonde says "I did too but i didn't think he would jump again."

There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win -- they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back. "A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"

A Blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically:

- What's the matter?

The Blonde replies:

- Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.

- I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day.. we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.

The Blonde very calmly explains:

- No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.

The boss agrees and allows the Blonde to work as usual.

- If you need anything, just let me know - he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the Blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the Blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks:

- Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?

- No - replies the Blonde.

- I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

- I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents - she said.

- What do you mean?

- Well, everyone kept yelling:

- Get the quarter back!

A blonde and a brunette are sky-diving. The brunette jumps out of the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens. She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing. The blonde jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

What do you do if a blond throws a pin at you?
→ Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.