Best jokes

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in a Rome laundry:

- Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier:

- Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:

- Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kobe, Japan:

- Stop: Drive Sideways.

Sign in a Swiss mountain inn:

- Special today -- no ice cream.

Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

- We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room:

- If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

- Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

Sign in the office of a Roman doctor:

- Specialist in women and other diseases.

Sign in a Tokyo shop:

- Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

Sign from a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air CONDITIONER:

- COOLERS AND HEATERS: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

Two signs from a Morrocan shop entrance:

- English well talking.

- Here speeching American.

Sign at a Budapest zoo:

- Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Sign from a translated sentence from a Russian chess book:

- A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire:

- Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything - gas is!

Sign on the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

- Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

At a restaurant in New York:

- Tip-ing is not a city in China.

Here is a great sign I saw in the grocery store:

- Snickers, 5 for 1.00$.(limit 4)

On a dock in Juneau, Alaska:

- Safety ladder, climb at own risk.

Seen on an electrical appliance store in Spokane, WA:

- Go modern! Go gas! Go BOOM!

Emergency Evacuation Plan posted in various places around my office building:

- Run like Anything!

Biggs Septic Tank Service (near Nashville Tennessee):

- Call Monday thru Friday, sorry, we haul milk on weekends.

Sign on the wall of the office of an ethnologist:

- Beware of bargains in 1. Parachutes 2. Life preservers 3. Brain surgery 4. Eye Care

Billboard sign on a highway coming out of Austin, TX:

- Nobody reads billboards.... But you just did :)

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

An ad on the subway in NYC: "Learn to read and speak English. Call us now."
An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: "Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed."
Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: "Used beer department."
On a store front in Florida: "Your one stop shop! Beer ammo and liquor. Drive through open 24 hours!"
A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey: "Smile, You're on Radar!"
Seen in a State Park in California: "Weather Station" (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope) "Check the Rock. If it's wet, it's raining. If it's moving, it's windy. If you can't see it, it's foggy. If rock is gone, it's a tornado."

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.

Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England.

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

At my University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police."
In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey: "Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance."
Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.
A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If your going to steal, then smile for the camera."
While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a sign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly above him read "Now hiring."
At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises, bonses and promotions."
SEEN ON A BILLBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: "Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education."

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
British Left Waffles on Falkland islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead