Best jokes

1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%
20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC
21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%
24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%
25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105
26. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
27. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%
29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
31. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3
32. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald's each day: 7
33. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%
34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%
35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%
36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
37. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.
38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
39. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon
40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage"
42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals
43. Only food that does not spoil: honey
44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)
45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig
48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
51. Polar bears are left-handed.
52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
53. Eskimos never gamble.
54. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
55. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
56. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.
60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.
61. Hot water is heavier than cold.
62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.
64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.
65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg.
66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.
67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer."
68. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
71. Men get hiccups more often than women.
72. Armadillos can be housebroken.

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:

- Lead us not into temptation - she prayed

- but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.

And one particular four-year old prayed:

- And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.

A little boy was overheard praying:

- Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service:

- And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?

One bright little girl replied:

- Because people are sleeping.

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered:

- If he gets loose, will he hurt us?

Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough:

- You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.

- Why? Who's going to stop me? - Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church & said:

- See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson:

- If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'.

Kevin turned to his younger brother & said:

- Ryan, you be Jesus!

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

- Daddy, what happened to him? - the son asked.

- He died & went to Heaven - the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment & then said:

- Did God throw him back down?

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, & shouted:

- Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife.

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked:

- Johnny what is the matter?

Little Johnny responded:

- I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!

This last one is out of the mouth of my co-workers 3-year old son Reese:

- Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name....

- The water-proof towel

- Glow in the dark sunglasses

- Solar powered flashlights

- Submarine screen doors

- A book on how to read

- Inflatable dart boards

- A dictionary index

- Powdered water

- Pedal powered wheel chairs

- Water proof tea bags

- Watermelon seed sorter

- Zero proof alchohol

- Reusable ice cubes

- See through tiolet tissue

- Skinless bananas

- Do it yourself roadmap

- Helicopter ejector seat

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

- Care to go upstairs and do it? - the husband asked.

- Shh! - said the bride

- All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?

So, the following night, the husband asks:

- I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?

- No, I definitely shut it - replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said:

- I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?

- No, thanks - said the husband.

- It was only a small load so I did it by hand.

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting:

- Silence in court!

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says:

- Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says:

- OK.

- Well - said Paddy - after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.

Shocked, the judge instantly responded:

- God, that must have hurt!

- Hurt? - Paddy replies.

- He broke three of my fingers!

One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. He was very good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the following Sunday.

- 9.30 okay?

George said:

- Fine, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.

The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that he played left-handed and beat them.

They agreed to meet the following Sunday at 9.30. George again said:

- Okay, but I may be about ten minutes late. Wait for me.

The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he played right-handed and beat them again.

- Okay, for 9.30 next Sunday? - one of the foursome asked.

George said:

- Sure if I'm ten minutes late.

Another golfer jumped in:

- Wait a minute... You always say you may be ten minutes late. But you're always right on time and you beat us whether you play right or left handed.

George said:

- Well, that's true - I'm superstitious. If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play right-handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left-handed.

- What if she's lying on her back?

George said:

- That's when I'm ten minutes late!

Day 1: A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum:

- We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?

Mum replies:

- yes dear

Day 2:

- We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?

Mum replies:

- yes dear

Day 3:

- We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?

Mum replies:

- No dear, it's because your 25.

What did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him???
→ I didn't do it on porpoise!!!

The following took place at an international conference for women's rights. The first speaker, a lady from England stood and said:

- During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb. (The crowd cheered).

The second speaker from Russia, stood up and said:

- After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, a Jamaican lady, stood up and said:

- After lass year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washing his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued...........................:

- Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffing. Afta da second day I nevah see nuffing, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit out of my leff eye.

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. "I did" he says. "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."