Best jokes

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
→ Ask your mother.

How do you embarrass an archeologist?
→ Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
→ Wiped his ass.

What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
→ Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
→ A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
→ Spitting, swallowing and gargling

What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
→ You know she'll swallow.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
→ A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

When is a pixie not a pixie?
→ When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.

What's the definition of a Yankee?
→ Same thing as a "quickie," only you do it yourself.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
→ The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
→ No one to talk to during orgasm.

What do you call a smart blonde?
→ A golden retriever.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
→ A mechanic!

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
→ The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
→ She is the one who can eat the last donut!

How can you tell which is the head nurse?
→ The one with the dirty knees.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
→ A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who has the biggest tits?
→ The blonde, because she's 18.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
→ Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

The three words most hated by men during sex?
→ "Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Three words women hate to hear when having sex
→ "Honey, I'm home!"

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
→ Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
→ It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
→ When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
→ Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

How can you tell a macho women?
→ She rolls her own tampons.

What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
→ Hair balls.

What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?
→ Crust.

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
→ Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper.

And a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker.

And a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper.

What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
→ A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies:

- He's a midget!

A blonde says to a brunette:

- Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.

The brunette says:

- Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.

The doctor examined her and said:

- You have acute appendicitis.

The blond yelled at the doctor:

- I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.

The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.

So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

- I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working.

- Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.

- Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy? - she asked the salesclerk.

- It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world, madam - the shop assistant replied....

- Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.

48 Phrases you wish you could say at work!

1. Ahhh... I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
27. Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
30. You!... Off my planet!
31. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
33. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
34. Allow me to introduce my selves.
35. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
36. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
37. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
38. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
40. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
41. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
44. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
45. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
46. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
47. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
48. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.

When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.

- Well, how was the honeymoon? - asked the mother.

- Oh mamma! - she exclaimed.

- The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!

No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying.

- But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!

- Now Sarah . . . - her mother answered.

- Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?

- Please don't make me tell you, mamma - wept the daughter.

- I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!

- Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!

Still sobbing, the bride replied:

- Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!

Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)

Print it out and hang it over your work station...

I dare ya!

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

- You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.

- The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the "ten items or less" lane.

- You've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.

- You've found yourself discussing rain gutters.

- You remember your kid's names, just not always the right one.

- You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.

- Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.

- You buy "age-defying" makeup and "antiwrinkle" creams and believe they work.

- You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.

- You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.

- As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in a Speedo again.

- You've had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic—for the last time in a generation.

- You'd pay good money to be strip-searched.

- Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.

- The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.

- You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.

- You know what Earth Shoes are.

- You think if you hear "Stairway to Heaven" one more time your head will explode.

- Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.

- On Saturday night, when your wife mentions "hot oil, a little friction, and squealing," you tell her you'll have the car looked at first thing Monday morning.

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says:

- My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.

The second boy says:

- That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.

The third boy says:

- I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!