Best jokes

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

- There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:

- Will I be acquitted?

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to.

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

- I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.

- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

- I have to floss my pets...

- I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.

- I want to spend more time with my blender.

- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

- I'm building a pig from a kit.

- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.

- I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.

- I'm getting my overalls overhauled.

- I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.

- I'm staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.

- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.

- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

- I've got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.

- It's my parakeet's bowling night.

- My patent is pending.

- The nice man on television told me to say tuned...

Dear Heavenly Father,
I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm grateful for Your grace...

But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed... From then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help!

- EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.

- If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

- No, I don't have a license to kill; it's just a learners permit.

- Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect.

- Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

- Taxation WITH representation Ain't so hot, either!

- White water... It's all over when the First Lady sings.

- Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

Microsoft's ad slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today?"

Now that Windows 98 is out, Microsoft have disclosed the alternatives that were considered when Windows 95 was released:

1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
4. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 gives you the whole house.
5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
7. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.
9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
11. OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!
13. Windows3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
15. How do you want to crash today?

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it:

- I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?

- Funny you should come to me - said the Rabbi.

- Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian.

- What did you do? - asked the lawyer.

- I turned to God for the answer - replied the rabbi.

- And what did he say?

He said:

- Funny you should come to me...

Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible:

- The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

- The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. (I used this one alot when I was a kid...wait... I still do!)

- The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. (Used by Bill Clinton... Monica who?)

- Moses died before he ever reached the UK. (Lucky for him that is.)

- Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. (What...they launch their Depends at 'em?)

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

- King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. (and still alive and residing in Hackensack, N.J.)

- Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. (Hey...he needed the extra pricks.)

- The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. (Hey testicle... I have headache. Aw SHUT UP an keep wandering!)

Little Susie was Mommy's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came in, and everyone sat down.

Then Mother noticed something was missing....

- Susie, dear - she said.

- You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smythe's place.

- But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn't need them - explained Susie.

- Daddy says he always eats like a horse!

Continuing with our list of dumb excuses that will guarantee you won't be invited out again! (unless of course your married an the wife makes you go!)

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

- I feel a song coming on.

- I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.

- I have to bleach my hare.

- I have too much guilt.

- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I'm stuck on it...

- I never go out on days that end in "Y."

- I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps.

- I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

- I'm having all my plants neutered.

- I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."

- I'm too old for that stuff.

- I'm too young for that stuff.

- I'm touring China with a wok band.

- I'm trying desperately to be less popular.

- I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.

- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.

- My bathroom tiles need grouting.

- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.

- My mother would never let me hear the end of it.

- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign:

- Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read:

- Now there are two!