Best jokes

After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said:

- Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?

- Not even once! - exclaimed Ole.

- Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?

- Well, er, yes --- but only three times - she admitted somewhat embarrassed.

- Hmmm, three times? - questioned Ole.

- That's not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?

- Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council? - asked Lena.

- That was the first time.

- And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector? - she asked.

- That was the second time.

- OK, Lena, when was the third time? - queried Ole.

- The third time was... - Lena paused.

- Do you remember when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?

- What the fuck was that? - The Mayor of Hiroshima

- Look at all these fucking Indians - General Custer

- Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs! - Captain of the Titanic

- That's not a fucking real gun - John Lennon

- The fucking throttle's stuck - Donald Campbell

- Who's going to fucking know? - President Nixon

- Heads are going to fucking roll - Henry VIII

- Watch him, he'll have some fucker's eye out - King Harold

- Scattered showers my fucking ass - Noah

- Where the fuck have you been? - Stanley to Livingston

- Can you smell fucking gas? - Captain of the Hindenburg

- Fuck you Brutus! - Julius Caeser

OK, let's consider the physical evidence.

The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year.

Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.

This lady went to a tattoo artist and told him she wanted a turkey tattooed on the upper most inner side of her left thigh. He had seen weirder so he didn't think too much about it.

Then she wanted a Santa tattooed on the upper most inner side of her right thigh. After he finished the last tattoo, he just couldn't help asking her:

- Why the turkey and Santa?

She replied:

- I'm tired of my husband complaining that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!!!

- Both look stupid in hats.

- Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

- Both tend to have "hip" problems.

- Neither understand football.

- Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.

- Neither believe that silence is golden.

- Both constantly want back rubs.

- Neither can balance a checkbook.

- You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

- Both put too much value on kissing.

How Women Are Better Than Dogs

- It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

- Women look good in sweaters.

How to tell when you are spending too much time with your computer:

- You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot net"

- Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like

- You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again

- Your phone bill is delivered in a box

- You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom

- All of your friends have an @ in their names

- You tell the cab driver you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't have a job.

- You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape3.01"

- You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off

- You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet

- You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile :)

- Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat

- As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button

- Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in for two hours. You start to tremble. You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number. You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect.

Y. O. D. A
(To the Village People's "Y. M. C. A")
(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker)

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down.
I said YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown.
I said YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I
MEAN YOU NO HARM I SAY
YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear.
I am WONDERIN', tell me why are you here?
How you GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say
WARS DO NOT MAKE ONE GREAT
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.
He's 900 years old!

He's so strong in the Force!

Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
Come and get yourself clean!

Come and have a good meal!

Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
SPAT OUT LIKE SOME THROAT PHLEGM
YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah.
He is COMIN', master Yoda not far.
I'll be HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot.
It is MINE OR I'LL HELP YOU NOT
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A.
He's 900 years old!

He's so strong in the Force!

Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
You must be here to see Y. O. D. A
Don't just stand in the rain!

You're all covered with mud!
Come and sample my homemade crud!

OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me?
I can't TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see!
Like his OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave!
Betcha HE SCREWS UP AT THE CAVE
YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends?
To be TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
WIMP OUT THEN YOU'RE A JERK
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A
You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A
You should stay here and train!

You don't have to save Han!

If you do so, you'll lose your hand!

You gotta stay here with Y. O. D. A. (repeat and fade).

A FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD SON NAMED LEROY. HE ATTENDS OAKLAND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE THEY TEACH EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LAST WEEK HE WAS GIVEN AN EASY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE. THIS IS WHAT LEROY DID.

1. RECTUM: I HAD TWO CADILLACS, BUT MY OL'LADY RECTUM BOTH.
2. HOTEL: I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND DA CRABS AND THE HOTEL EVERYBODY.
3. ODYSSEY: I TOLD MY BRO, YOU ODYSSEY THE JUGS ON THIS HOE.
4. STAIN: MY MOTHER-IN-LAW AXED IF I WAS STAIN FOR DINNER AGAIN.
5. SELDOM: MY COUSIN GAVE ME TWO TICKETS TO THE KNICKS GAME, SO I SELDOM.
6. PENIS: I WENT TO DA DOCTOR AND HE HANDED ME A CUP AND SAID PENIS.
7. CATACOMB: DON KING WAS AT THE FIGHT THE OTHER NIGHT, MAN, SOMEBODY GIVE THAT CATACOMB.
8. FORCLOSE: IF I PAY ALIMONY THIS MONTH, I'LL HAVE NO MONEY FORCLOSE.
9. UNDERMINE: THERE IS A FINE LOOKIN' HOE LIVIN' IN THE APARTMENT UNDERMINE.
10. TRIPOLI: I WAS GONNA BUY MY OLD LADY A BRA BUT I COULDN'T FINE NO TRIPOLI.
11. DISAPPOINTMENT: MY PAROLE OFFICER TOL ME IF I MISS DISAPPOINTMENT THEY GONNA SEND ME BACK TO THE BIG HOUSE.
12. INCOME: I JUST GOT IN BED WIT DEE HOE AND INCOME MY WIFE.
13. HONOR: AT THE RAPE TRIAL, THE JUDGE AXED MY BUDDY, WHO B HONOR FIRST?
14. FORTIFY: I AXED DA HOE HOW MUCH? AND SHE SAY FORTIFY.
15. ISRAEL: ALONSO TRIED TO SELL ME A ROLEX, I SAID MAN, THAT LOOKS FAKE. HE SAID, NO ISRAEL.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, LEROY GOT AN A.

OPERATOR, WE'VE BEEN DISCONNECTED: Florida State Senator John McKay has resigned from the Senate Regulated Industries Committee, which oversees such monopolies as the phone company, after his wife charged in a divorce proceeding that McKay had been having an affair with the lobbyist for the Sprint telephone company. (AP)

John, that's not what Ma Bell meant by "Reach Out and Touch Someone".

A woman that was on her death-bed turned to her husband telling him he should get married soon after she'll die, to which the man said:

- OK.

Then she told him that he may bring the new wife to her home.

- OK - said the man.

- And you may give her my silver.

- OK - said he.

- You will also give her my jewelry.

- OK - said the man.

- And you will also give her my dresses - said the woman.

- This will not be possible - answered the man - you see, you are size 8 and she is size 10.