Best jokes

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

- There's no way they can catch a Mercedes, - he thought to himself and opened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the reality of the situation hit him.

- What the heck am I doing? - he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily at the driver and said:

- I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!

The driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a reply.

- Last week my wife ran off with a cop, - he said, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!

- Off you go, - said the officer.

A Bama Graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.

A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.

- Have you been taking them regularly? - the doctor asked.

- What do you think I've been doing, - the grad said.

- Shoving them up my ass!

Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked:

- Do you have something you would like to say?

The man nodded to the affirmative, and the preist handed him a pad And pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."

Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, the man died.

After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note. "Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you." The wife tearfully opened the note which read:

- GET OFF MY FUCKING OXYGEN HOSE!!

Little Johnny has to stay at Grandma's for the weekend. Being an old school gal, bathing Little Johnny with her, Grandma sees no harm. So, there they are in the shower and Johnny points to Grandma's crotch and says:

- Grandma, what's that?!?

Grandma, somewhat shocked, quickly replies:

- That's my beaver, Johnny.

"Oh, okay." And this answer seems to appease Johnny's curiousity.

Well, Johnny returns home, and one morning, Mom is running late for work. She decides that to save time, she'd bathe Johnny with her. Off to the shower, and once again, Johnny sees something not so familiar to him.

- Mom, what's that? - asks Johnny pointing to Mom's nether regions.

Taken back, Mom says:

- Johnny, that's my beaver.

Johnny replies:

- I thought so. I think Grandma's is dead. Its tongue is hanging out and its all gray and wrinkled!

A veterinarian got a phone call at midnight one night.

The woman on the other end of the phone said:

- My wee puppy is together with the dog from next door and I can't get them apart.

The vet asked her if she tried throwing a bucket of water on them.

She said:

- Yes, but it didn't work.

He said:

- Did you try hitting them with a broom.

She said:

- Yes, but that didn't work either.

He then said:

- Well Ma'am here's what you do. Hang up. I'll call you back. When the phone rings, they will separate.

She said:

- Do you really think that will work?

He said:

- Well it just did for me!

Little Johnny is walking with his father in the park and they see two dogs locked in a sexual embrace. Little Johnny not understanding what the dogs are doing asks his father:

- Daddy, what are those two dogs doing?

To which the father replies:

- They are making a puppy!

Later that night Johnny wakes up and walks down the hall to his parents bedroom and catches his mother and father making love. Johnny asks his father:

- Daddy what are you and mommy doing?

To which the father replies:

- Johnny we are making you a little sister.

Johnny thinks for a few moments and responds:

- Well, daddy could you roll her over? I'd rather have a puppy!

Which condom would you use?

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey -- you never know.

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."

New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."

Neighbor 1: "So, what is it you do for a living?"

New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."

Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what's that?"

New Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."

Neighbor 1: "That's right."

New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."

Neighbor 1: "Right again."

New Neighbor: "Since you have a famly, I deduce that you have a wife."

Neighbor 1: "Correct."

New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual."

Neighbor 1: "Yup."

New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning."

Neighbor 1: "Cool."

Later that same day:Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door."

Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"

Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job."

Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah, what does he do?"

Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University."

Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"

Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"

Neighbor 2: "No."

Neighbor 1: "Fag!"

What do you have when you combine 50 women with a yeast infection in a room with 50 women suffering from PMS?--A wine & cheese party!

Top 15 Good Things About a Cold Winter...

The melodious clanging Anna Nicole Smith's breasts make when she walks.

BATF calls off its siege of your heavily fortified compound when agents run out of hot cocoa.

Much easier to locate nipples during foreplay.

Finally, a chance to say:

- Yeah, but it's a dry cold.

Natural refrigeration keeps vagrants crisp and fresh until Spring.

You can chill your malt liquor on the window ledge at work.

Joy of frostbite makes it easier to rid your self of those troublesome extremities.

No news clips of the President jogging for at least 8 more weeks.

Watching O.J. enviously eye everyone else's toasty-warm glove-clad hands.

Flashers stick to describing themselves.

Spouse temporarily stops using back seat of car for elicit affairs.

When it's 10 below, nobody gives a rat's ass whether Internet Explorer is better than Netscape.

With multiple layers, people with buns of steel look exactly like people with buns of cinnamon.

The shivering just makes your Katherine Hepburn impersonation that much better, you old poop!and the Number 1 Good Thing About a Cold Winter...

Goodbye, runny nose. Hello, Snotcicles!