Best jokes

A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

The bartender says:

- We don't serve mushrooms here.

The mushroom says:

- Why?! I'm a fun guy!

Joe was sitting in his favorite bar having a few beers after work, when a beautiful woman sat down next to him. She looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn't quite place her.

- Hi, Joe - she said.

- I haven't seen you in a long time.

Joe was puzzled.

- Charlie, is that you? What are you doing dressed up like a woman?

- Well, Joe. It's a long story, but the bottom line is that I always felt like a woman trapped in a man's body, so I finally decided to do something about it. After a number of operations, I am now a woman.

Joe was initially shocked, but after admiring Charlie's breasts, he said:

- Damn, Charlie, I bet it was pretty painful to have those implants put in.

- Yeah, but that wasn't the most painful part.

Joe's gaze lowered, and he got a sick feeling in his stomach.

- Oh shit. You mean you had your penis and testicles cut off? I bet that was awful.

- Yes, that was pretty painful, but that wasn't the worst part.

- I don't believe it, Charlie. What could possibly be worse than that?

- The final operation was the worst.

- That was when they did a craniotomy and took out half of my brain!

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says:

- No way. I don't think you can pay for it.

The guy says:

- You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?

The bartender says:

- Only if what you show me ain't risque.

- Deal! - says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says:

- You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

- Money or another miracle else no drink - says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says:

- It's a deal.

He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the guy:

- Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.

- Not so - says the guy.

- The hamster is also a ventriloquist.

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.

A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right.

Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.

Then he starting leaning forward.

This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked:

- How do you like the place?

- It's okay - he said.

- But, they won't let me fart!

A soldier goes into the hospital for surgery after being wounded in battle.

Waking up from the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bedside.

- So tell me Doc, what did you do to me?

The doctor says:

- Son, we have some good news and some bad news.

- Yeah, what? - replies the patient.

- Well the good news is that we were able to save your private parts.

- Yes, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?

- We put them under your pillow!

What the world is like in TV land:

1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a dark secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. The police are smart.
19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
20. All Asian people know Karate.
21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22. Rich people are unhappy and evil.
23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.
24. Indians make good cannon fodder.
25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
26. Computers never crash.
    a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC's.
    b) Computers know everything.
    c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything
    d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info
27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.
28. No one farts, except after eating beans.
29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.
30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works.
31. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four days.
32. Movies based on true stories are made up.
33. Police never wait for back-up.
34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
35. Private detective work is glamorous.
36. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.
37. All police killings are in self-defense.
38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
39. Good guys don't do drugs.
40. The world is teeming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys.
41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.
42. High School students look thirty years old.
43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.
44. Street vendors' carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.
47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.
48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.
50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.
51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.
52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out.
53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill.
54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but can't use that speed to actually catch the person they're chasing.
55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in New York).

- Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life

- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye

- Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

- How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

- I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life

- I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

- I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.

- I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You

- I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life

- I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart

- If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low

- My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

- Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You

- She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.

After looking over the menu he says:

- I'll just have the eggs benedict.

His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate.

He asks the waiter:

- What's with the fancy plate?

The waiter replies:

- There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side.

So... the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first?

The one who swam, of course, because:

- Da oily boid gets da woim.

Yo mamma's armpits are so hairy, it looks like she got Don King in a headlock!