A mother-in-law visits her son-in-law before leaving for a trip. They are sipping coffee and chatting.
Suddenly, mother-in-law looks at the clock and jumps off her chair exclaiming:
- My god! It's already three P.M. I'm about to miss my train!
She begins to put her clothes on in a hurry.
At this moment, the son-in-law's daughter runs up to her and before he can do anything and announces:
- Don't hurry, granny! Daddy moved the clock two hours ahead!
There was an American on a buisness trip in England. He got on a train, and was unable to find a seat. The man walked up and down the different cars until he discovered that an old lady's tiny dog was taking up a whole seat.
So he said to the lady:
- Hey, you think you could move your dog? I can't find a seat.
Now this wasn't a nice lady, so she replied:
- You rude American! My little poodles needs somewhere to be!
So the man walked up and down the cars again, looking for somewhere to sit. He came back to the lady and the dog:
- Look lady, I need somewhere to sit. Can you please put your dog on your lap?
Of course, the woman's reply was about the same as the first one:
- You again?! Go away you rude man, don't bother my poodles!
So for the last time the man searched for a seat as the train started. He came back to the woman angrily:
- Move your mutt lady!
The woman went into a fit of frustration, scolding the man like a child.
Finally he'd had enough and grabbed the dog and threw it out the window. The woman sat in disbelief until the man accross the isle said:
- You damn Americans, you do everything wrong!
- You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the fork in the wrong hand, and NOW YOU THROW THE WRONG BITCH OUT THE WINDOW!
Murphy's Laws Of Parenting...
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Familiarity breeds children.
For adult education, nothing beats children.
God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Having children will turn you into your parents.
If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - actually from Erma Bombeck
One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
The best thing to spend on your children is time.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you have.
While critiquing a survey instrument intended for mothers of infants less than one year old, I came across the following question:
Have you ever breast fed your baby?
a) Yes...
b) No...
c) Don't know
"Don't know"? Huh?
A wise man once said that having children is hereditary.
Which is tantamount to saying: If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either.
My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic atmosphere.
In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.
All children who entered the world in the 1980s and later were born with a special mutated gene that enables them to know which buttons to push on electronic gadgets.
The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
- Everyone knows - the mother lectured him.
- that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool!
- Oh really? - said the lifeguard.
- from the diving board?!
From Reader's Digest, June 1992:
I grew up in a non-musical family; only one of our five siblings can even carry a tune.
So, I've restricted my singing to private places like the bathtub or the car. But one night, I softly sang a lullaby to my nine-month-old baby.
After the first verse, he sweetly looked into my eyes, removed the pacifier from his mouth and placed it in mine.
On his tour to the U.S., the Pope visited a couple who had been childless for six years, try as they might to have a baby. The Pope promised to light a candle for them at the Vatican.
A decade later, the Pope returned and dropped in on the couple again and found nine children romping around the house.
Congratulating the wife on her fruitfulness, the Pope looked around and asked:
- But where is your husband?
- Jim? - the haggard woman said.
- Oh, he went to Rome to blow out that candle!
