Best jokes

What does SWM stand for in a personal column advertisement?
→ Sneaking While Married

Why don't most women ever tell their husbands when they're really enjoying sex?
→ Because their husbands are never there when it happens!

What do most women miss most about being single?
→ Having sex!

Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?
→ There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning!

Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most?
→ "I'll fix it."

What's the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
→ Get married on his birthday.

Why are some married men like candles?
→ Because they occasionally go out at night when they should not.

A Jehovah's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In". He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.

He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In". As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him. As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the "Come In".

He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage. He said:

- For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?!

The parrot laughed and said:

- Sic him!

I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"

James and his wife, Martha, are getting ready to leave home for a vacation.

Martha started out the door, then stopped, turned around, and said:

- James, this time you should go check to see if the coffee pot is off, television plugs are pulled, lamp timers are set, thermostat is adjusted, windows are closed and locked, burglar alarm is on, doors are locked, and I'll go wait in the car and keep blowing the horn.