Best jokes

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says:

- Here's a pill for English literature.

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

- What else do you have? - asks the student.

- Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history - replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks:

- Do you have a pill for math?

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

- I have to take that huge pill for math? - inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied:

- Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.

There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up.

The pharmacist said:

- What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am.

She said:

- I'm not sure, they're for my Camels, at which point he fainted.

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says:

- Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be a hell of a party.

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says:

- This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it.

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says:

- What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?

The guy replies:

- Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever).

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says:

- Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive.

The guy says:

- It's not for my penis, it's for my arm.

Pharmacist says:

- What?? What happened?

Guy replies:

- Well... I drank the whole bottle of your potion.

Pharmacist says:

- And...

Guy replies:

- The girls never showed up!

A man walks into a pharmacy and goes to the counter. Standing behind the counter is a young woman.

- May I speak to the pharmacist? - he asks.

- Well - she replies - I am the pharmacist.

He looks very uncomfortable, and asks for a male pharmacist, as he has a "male problem."

She informs him that only she and her sister work at this particular establishment.

He blushes and says:

- Well, I really do need help, so I guess I'll ask you... I have a problem. I have a constant erection, and nothing I do seems to get rid of it. It's been like this for three months now. Can you give me anything for it?

The woman looks thoughtful, and says:

- Hold on, I'll go in back and ask my sister.

After a couple of minutes she returns and says:

- We'll give you half of the business and it's profits, but that's all we can give you for it...

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life - not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle - just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks:

- What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?

Assistant replies:

- Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.

Pharmacist says:

- He seems to be fine now.

Assistant replies:

- Sure, he is. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market... Now he won't dare cough!

Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.

Proctologist: the rare profession in which the M.D. starts out at the bottom and stays there.

Two proctologists are discussing their most baffling cases.

One proctologist tells the other one about the time he put his hand into a patient and pulled out a large bouquet of flowers.

The other proctologist looked really amazed and asked:

- Where did those flowers come from?

The other proctologist answered very cooly:

- How should I know. There wasn't any card!!

A doctor pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it and says, "Shit, some asshole has my pen!!!"

Psychiatrist:

1. Mind-sweeper.
2. Someone who asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

Psychiatry: The care of the id by the odd.

- Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.

- Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair!