Best jokes

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them... "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

A lady says to her doctor:

- My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything.

The doctor examines her, and then says:

- You need an operation.

She asks:

- On my vagina?

He says:

- No. On your nose!

A Geography teacher stands in front of a map of the world.

- Geography Teacher: Tony, can you tell me where in the world America is placed on this map?

Tony shows him America.

- Geography Teacher: Now, Lisa, can you tell me the name of the guy who discovered America?

- Lisa: Tony did!!

A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says:

- You have to take a Breathalyzer test.

The guy says:

- I can't. I have asthma, and it'll start me on a coughing fit.

The cop says:

- Then I have to give you a blood test.

The guy says:

- You can't. I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place.

The cops says:

- Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line.

The guy says:

- I can't.

The cop says:

- Why not?

The guy says:

- Because I'm drunk you idiot... didn't you see the way I was driving!

Do you know why Iraq's navy has glass bottomed ships?
→ So the sailors can see their air force!

A frog walks into his local bank and walks up to the counter.

- I would like a loan of £30,000 please. - he asks the clerk, whose name is Patrick Whack.

- Thirty thousand pounds? That's a lot of money, you know. - says Paddy:

- You'll need a collateral for that amount of money.

- That's okay - says the frog:

- I have this.

And he pulls out of his pocket a tiny pink ceramic elephant.

- What's this? I can't accept this as collateral.

- Don't worry - says the frog:

- I know the manager, he's a good friend of mine. Tell him his friend Kermit Jagger is here.

Paddy gets up from his chair and goes to the manager's office, taking the little pink elephant with him. He shows it to the manager and says:

- There's a frog out there says he knows you, his name is Kermit Jagger. He want to borrow £30,000... he gave this as collateral... what on earth is it?

The manager takes the little elephant, studies it for a second and says:

- It's a nick-nack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone.

How do you castrate a hillbilly?
→ Kick his sister in the mouth!

How did a Blonde try to kill a bird ??
→ She through it out of the window !!

- Boy #1: Hey! Didja know that my grandfather was once face-to-face with a panther?

- Boy #2: That's nothing! My granny was once face-to-face with a lion! It was drooling...coming closer...closer...

- Boy #1: Gosh! What'd she do?

- Boy #2: She moved away from the cage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A doctor from Canada was having an affair with one of his female co-workers.

One day she announced to him that she was pregnant with his child. The doctor gave her enough money to fly to California and live their until the child was born. He gave her instructions to send him a postcard with the word SAURKRAUT on it when she gave birth.

About nine months later the doctor arrived home when his wife handed him a postcard.

- Here - she said.

- This came in the mail today.

The doctor took the postcard and it read... SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT!