Best jokes

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.

I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bring me only one piss.

I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no piss on plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla me somma ma b*tch.

Then I go to pharmacia with a cough. The man he give me candy ana tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!

Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock - She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonna ma b*tch - I not even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch.

So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to toilet. So, I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say you betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know man ana he call me sonna ma b*tch!

I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I say peace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO ITALY!!!

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out:

- If that thing was full of ice cream, I'd eat every bite.

Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn't go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.

- Well - the husband replied - There are three reasons I won't punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn't have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. But most of all, I'm not going to punch anyone who's big enough to eat that much ice cream!

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. He comes running up to his mom and says:

- Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!

The mom says:

- the bigger they are, the dumber they are.

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says:

- Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!

Mom says:

- the bigger they are, the dumber they are.

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says:

- Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

- Are you crazy - yelled the customer - sticking your thumb in my steak?!

- What - answers the waiter - You want it to fall on the floor again?

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told:

- You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog says:

- This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?

- No - says the psychic.

- Next semester in her biology class.

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says:

- Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?

GOD replied:

- Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create.

So Adam says:

- When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?

- I did that, Adam, so that you could love her.

- Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?

- I did that Adam so that you could love her.

- Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?

- Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

- Man: What are you doing here today?

- Woman: Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.

- Man: Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

- Man: Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

- Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.

St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst 'booking-in' the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name.

"Joseph" is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive.

"Occupation?" is the next question, the reply being "Carpenter".

Jesus is now getting quite excited.

In quite a state Jesus asks "Did you have a little boy?", the answer is "yes".

- Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles? - asks Jesus.

- Yes - comes the reply.

Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts:

- FATHER, FATHER?!

The old man looks puzzled and after a moment replies....

- Pinnochio?

Jack goes to the doctor and says:

- Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack:

- Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment.

Jack asks sadly:

- What is this treatment?

- Well - the doctor explains - what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.

Jack thinks about it silently then says:

- Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it.

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.

To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his pants.

His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile:

- That was incredible! Can you do that again?

Jack replied:

- Well, I guess so, but I'm not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!

You might be a child of the 80's if...

• you have deep, personal relationships via computer with people you've never met in real life.
• the phrase "going courting", to you, means fighting an unjust traffic ticket or playing tennis.
• you know, by heart, the words to any "Weird" Al Yankovic song.
• not that you'd do it personally, but body piercing captivates your attention.
• you remember the days when cocaine was just fine in powder form, thankyouverymuch.
• you think the "the Gay 90's" refers to this decade and sexual orientation.
• the Brady Bunch movie brought back cool memories.
• you remember the first time "Space: Above and Beyond" aired - it was called "Battlestar Galactica".
• songs by Debbie Gibson still haunt you to this day.
• three words: "Atari" "IntelliVision" and "Coleco". Sound familiar?
• you remember the days that hooking your computer into your television wasn't an expensive option that required gadgets - it was the ONLY WAY to use your computer!
• you remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend".
• you remember "Friday Night Videos" before the days of MTV.
• you ever owned a pair of "Pop-Wheels" - that handy little combination of shoe and roller skate that lasted about a year on the open market.
• a predominant color in your childhood photos is "plaid".
• you're pissed that you couldn't really participate in the 60's, pissed that you were a part of the 70's, think you wasted too much time doing stupid, meaningless things in the 80's, and still have no clue what the 90's are all about.
• you see teenagers today wearing clothes that show up in those childhood photos, and they still look bad.
• while in high school, you and all your friends discussed elaborate plans to get together again at the end of the century and play "1999" by Prince over and over again.
• you remember when music that was labeled "alternative" really was.
• one of the top five questions you've always wanted answered was to Robert Smith of the Cure - "What WAS that head on the door thing, anyway?"
• you were shocked and horrified at the Challenger explosion (which you were probably watching in school at the time), and yet, when someone mentions the name "JFK", the first thing you think of is "Oliver Stone".
• you, yes you, sat down and memorized the entire lyric sheet to "It's the end of the world as we know it".
• you can't remember when the word "networking" didn't have a computer connotation to it as well.
• you took family trips BEFORE the invention of the mini-van. You rode in the back of the station wagon and you faced the cars behind you.
• you knew all the words to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire", but it really didn't hold any meaning for you until about the third verse.
• you've ever conversationally used the phrase "Jane, you ignorant slut".
• you watched HR Puffenstuff as a child, but now that you're older, you really understand that it would have been much better had you known about drugs at the time.
• you've recently horrified yourself by using any one of the following phrases: -- "When I was younger . . ." -- "When I was your age . . ." -- "You know, back when . . ." -- "Because I SAID so, that's why." -- "What the HELL is this noise on the radio?" -- "Just can't (fill in the blank) like I used to."
• you can't remember a time when "going out for coffee" DIDN'T involve 49,000 selections to choose from.
• Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how you actually learned the English language.
• kids who work in restaurants and supermarkets are starting to piss you off by calling you "sir" or "ma'am".
• you're starting to view getting carded to buy alcohol as a GOOD thing, and you're ready to marry the next person who cards you when you want to buy cigarettes.
• flashback: it was your first chance to vote in a presidential election, and you were SO disappointed because, just for laughs, you really wanted to vote for Gary Hart.
• the first time you heard the candidates' names, you were pumped because you thought MICHAEL Jackson was running for President, not this Jesse character.
• you ever dressed to emulate a person you saw in either a Duran Duran, Madonna, or Cyndi Lauper video.
• at one point during your teenage years, you walked with a noticeable tilt to one side due to the number of plastic rings on that arm.
• "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang was one of the hot new songs when you first heard it at a school dance.
• the first time you ever kissed someone at a dance fell during "Crazy for You" by Madonna.
• there were at least three people in your school that voluntarily went by the names of "Skip" "Buffy" "Muffy" or "Dexter".
• you ever owned one of those embarrassing crimping irons.
• you used to hold in your head the thought that all those gold chains on Mr. T actually looked kinda cool and the thought that Mr. T made millions seemed rational to you at the time.
• you remember with pain the sad day when the Green Machine hit the streets and made your old big wheel quite obsolete.
• the phrase "Where's the beef?" still doubles you over with laughter.
• you read the "Hot Video Games Player's Secrets" guide for Mortal Kombat just so you could find the hidden screen, and play Pong again for old time's sake.
• honestly remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever possibly get better special effects than those in the movie TRON.
• you ever had nightmares about the giant red evil robot Maximillian from the Disney movie "The Black Hole" and those blender attachments he had for hands.
• you were convinced for years that Batman was a mildly overweight man with a moderate beer belly who wore his underwear outside of his clothes and talked strangely.
• (guys) your first wet dream occurred to thoughts of Jeannie, Marsha Brady, Samantha from Bewitched or, for those hardcore comic fans out there, Daphne from Scooby Doo, Josie or any one of her Pussycats.
• (girls) you thought Sean Cassidy was "dreamy", lusted after "Ted, your ship's photographer" on the Love Boat and Chachi, or, to keep it fair to the comically interested, thought Fred was just a hunk on Scooby Doo.
• you're still occasionally suffering flashbacks from your 21st birthday party.
• you're starting to dread you're 30th birthday, and have even begun going into denial about its possibility.
• you've ever said "I'm a vegetarian" and immediately had someone call you a hypocrite by saying "Nice leather jacket you have there... and gee, is that a suede bag... those shoes leather, too?"
• you're starting to believe that maybe 30 isn't so old after all, and it's those people over 40 you have to look out for.
• you freaked out when you found that you now fall into the "26 - 50" age category on most questionnaires.
• you have begun to lust after women (or men) that it would be socially inappropriate for you to date due to their age.
• your hair, at some point in time in the 80's, became something which can only be described by the phrase "I was experimenting".
• this timeline appropriately describes actual events in your life:

Star Wars opens, you are still in single digit ages, and you think the creatures are WAY cool.

Empire Strikes Back opens, you are now in early double digit ages, and you are convinced that the special effects are much better, the characters are cooler, and you want one of every collectible out there.

Return of the Jedi hits the theaters, you are now a teenager, and you cannot get your eyes off Princess Leia's breasts or Han Solo's butt. You fantasize forever and ever about it, and send off to join every fan club for them on the planet, hanging posters, photos, an "teen"-type magazine spreads all over your walls and lockers at school.

• you remember when the phrase "candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth" started getting followed by "yeah, but M&M's won't give you AIDS..."
• you've ever shopped at a Banana Republic or Benetton, but not in the last five years, okay?
• you can't remember a time when "hitting the outlet stores" didn't mean going to an electrical warehouse.
• you're starting to believe (now that it wouldn't affect YOU) that maybe having the kids go to school year-round wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.
• you're doing absolutely nothing with anything pertaining to your major degree.
• you won't walk into the place where you once knew every bartender on a first name basis because "there's too many kids there".
• going to keg parties no longer involves hiding out in the woods when the cops show up.
• you want to go out dancing, you really, REALLY do, but your back hurts, sorry.
• you're starting to think that Corvettes really look good, and aren't REALLY for guys going through a mid-life crisis and worried about their penises. That's not YOU.
• you're starting to get that "Why aren't you married yet?" schpiel, not just from parents, but now from friends who are married.
• you've recently horrified yourself by groaning as you get out of bed, not because of a hangover, but because it genuinely just hurt to do so.
• you're finding that you just don't understand more than half the lingo used on MTV any more.
• (mostly guys on this one) sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first.
• you ever wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
• U2 is too "popular" and "mainstream" for you now.
• you ever used the phrase "kiss mah grits" in conversation.
• when somone mentions two consecutive days of the week, the Happy Days theme is stuck in your head for hours on end.
• you remember trying to guess the episode of the Brady Bunch from the first scene.
• you ever used the phrase "don't make me angry... you wouldn't LIKE me when I'm angry" when trying to frighten someone off.
• you spent endless nights dreaming about being the Bionic Woman or Wonder Woman or the Six Million Dollar Man.
• you had ringside seats for Luke and Laura's wedding (on General Hospital).
• you remember "Hey, let's be careful out there."
• your parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it was pointless since Quincy got all the babes, anyway.
• you know who shot J.R.
• this rings a bell: "and my name, is Charlie. They work for me."